Deep Confessions Time

So I feel that I should do a deep confessions blog because, well this blog is about a whole new me and what better way to have a whole new me than to tell you the reasons I did weight loss surgery, well the mental reasons anyways.
So I have been on the bigger side of the scale since I can remember, I didn't really have friends until about age 11. I always new I was bigger but it didn't bother me until about first grade. I will never forget the day. We were at lunch waiting in line when one of the girls in the line was picking one me like kids do. I just ignored her as best as I could until she started calling me a fat-so and other non-creative fat names. The other kids in line started laughing so I went to the lunch mother and reported her (the child) to the woman. Now as a lunch mother your job is to make sure during lunch the children feel safe, and happy and stay in line while eating and socializing. Well, she didn't yell at the girl but instead yelled at me saying the words that will forever be ingrained in the back of my head "So what, you are fat, and will probably always be fat you need to deal with it." THAT IS WHAT YOU TELL A SIX YEAR OLD!! DEAL WITH THE BULLYING!! And smile while the other kids are laughing at the remark you made. In all honesty after that all the fat jokes in the world did not hurt me as much as that did. I wanted to disappear, shrivel up inside and just be invisible. I didn't talk to anyone that lunchtime, or eat. How could you when the person watching you eat just called you fat. The other girl who was originally picking on me apologized before we went back to class and said that the lunch mother was mean. I laughed how could someone who was being mean to you call another person mean. As I grew up I learned to laugh at the fat jokes because clearly every weight loss plan under the sun was not working for me in some way. I would do great losing weight then plateau after about 20 or 30 pounds. Some weight loss plans I didn't even lose weight. I learned if I couldn't be "beautiful" on the outside I would have to be "beautiful" on the inside.
Middle school was probably about the worst three years of my life. My "friends" I had I later figured out weren't really my "friends" I was around for them to pick on. A mere scapegoat for their issues in life. I didn't care though because I was hanging with the crowd everyone wanted to hang with. So even though I was hurting I was happy. Eventually their "friendship" started wearing thin and I felt like I was losing them so as bad as it sounds I would steal money from my parents and pay for things for them. And again I started to be their "friend". Now most of you are probably like what is a few $5 here or there. It wasn't $5 or $6 at a time, but $20 or $40 or a few times even more. I didn't care about the trouble I got into at home. I had "friends" who I thought cared about me and respected me for who I was. I realized it wasn't the case on my 12th birthday. All my other birthdays people went to, they were places similar to Chuck E Cheese. My 12th birthday was going to be simple at home and have some cake, ice cream, pizza and dancing and a pinata. My friend who didn't show up because she was really sick, but came the next day with a present, made out all the invitations and handed them out to everyone. I had about 16 invitations made...not a single person showed up. A week or two after the party everyone asked if I can go hang out, I said no because I was still hurt, I didn't get a happy belated birthday NOTHING from the group I thought were my best friends. Mind you when it came to their birthday I would go out of my way to make sure they were happy with a nice present, and a card and sometimes even money in the card. I don't care if I got presents, they are nice but I didn't want that, I wanted a "hey I am so sorry I missed you're party, I hope it was good." or "happy belated birthday girl! hope you had a blast." SOMETHING, ANYTHING! But that wasn't the case. I asked them why did every single one of them missed my party and they all looked at each other as if to say what party. Then they all made up their excuses and said bye since I didn't want to go out. I played it off to everyone as though I didn't care but I don't think I fooled anyone.
I decided I wasn't going to continue high school with people that didn't care for me anyways so my mom and I started looking at other high schools. My mom found a nice vocational school for me to go to in a completely different town. We went to go see the high school and I was so happy with it. The day I got my acceptance letter from them was the happiest day ever. I went to the school and felt like I had a clean slate for new friends and a new life. My freshman year was grand, my grades were not the best but I was getting use to everything. It seemed in this school when the English teacher had us write an essay on why we came to that school everyone else was similar to me in that they were bullied at their old school, or they didn't have friends, or whatever the case was. I felt like if anyone would understand my pain of no friends it would be the students of this school. Unfortunately, I had to stay back a year sophomore year because my grades slipped from me getting involved in too much. So, I backed out of those things went to focus on school and my grandmother got sick and unfortunately passed away. I went into a huge depression. I felt I had lost what I felt was my only true friend. I didn't care about anything. School, friends, myself, nothing at all. The depression and weight gain increased and turned into a vicious cycle. I thought about suicide on a daily basis, sometimes even two or three times a day. I started to hate my shop teachers with a passion, I found no joy in going to school. The only little joy I had in the world was my music. I decided to switch shops, if I had to stay back again I WAS NOT doing it in the same shop as before. In my other shop I had a few friends who were a grade ahead and behind so I saw them in homeroom. I started feeling numb even listening to music, so I started cutting. Not because I wanted to die like everyone believes but because I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel the love my family gave me, or the pain of people who disliked me. NOTHING, I was hollow. I started to intentionally make my parents mad. I didn't care. I would do anything and everything to make them angry, I guess I wanted someone else to feel the way I felt. My third sophomore year I got a huge infection, no one to this day knows why it happened. Just the doctors wrote it off that I am fat and need to lose weight. The infections would come back almost every two or three weeks. I became even more depressed, I finally start doing amazingly well in school and now I have this sickness holding me back. My family and everyone was worried about my sickness, I was worried about school. I didn't give two shits if my leg would fall off I WAS NOT staying back a fourth time. My guidance counselor pulled A LOT of strings to make sure I was able to move forward, and I was. Junior and Senior year I still had the infections because no one would truly listen to me about everything that happened before my ailment and would once again say "if you just lose some weight you will be fine." One infection the IV nurse found some cuts looking for a vein and had a psychiatrist come and evaluate me. He asked me the main question that had me stop cutting. "Why do you cut?" I couldn't answer it fully. I mean I felt numb isn't a grade A answer. To me it was an addiction. I couldn't sleep without doing it. Since I had no door to my room I waited until everyone was asleep and brought out my kit and did it in the dark. Some nights I fell asleep with the razor in my bed so would wake up with more cuts than I intended. My life wasn't going anywhere, I sucked at EVERYTHING I did. And the thing the doctors always wrote off I was fat. My Senior year wasn't how I planned it. While my friends were relaxing and enjoying the last year of high school, I was working my ass off to make up everything I would miss due to being in the hospital. I couldn't do it. I had a mental breakdown and just balled my eyes out to the head of the guidance department. I felt everyone was against me instead of with me. I had to double in math, my weakest subject and I just couldn't do it. I was so negative and short fused my Senior year. With everyone. I was jealous of everyone I went to school with because while I was home doing make-up work they were on the senior cruise. And while I was home because I couldn't afford it everyone else was at senior prom. I didn't even want a yearbook, but my Art teacher bought me one because I helped her out a lot that year and she felt every senior deserved to get one. I still have mixed feelings about my year book and looking through all my friends pictures on face-book, but everything happens for a reason.
After high school I decided to go to a 10 Month Accelerated program for Medical Assisting. There is where I gained my true friends, I gained confidence in myself, and I learned to achieve. It is also there I look back on everything I just told you and said "You are over 18, you can have the surgery and lose the weight and not have to listen to the doctors say it is because you are fat." And that is what I did. I was born July 8th 1992 BUT I was REBORN May 13th of 2013. I have lost 56 pounds+ and I feel amazing. I am so glad I went on this journey to change my life around. Anyways I think I have said enough for today I am going to write in my planner from now on to write a blog. Because I sadly keep forgetting. So anyways my loves Stay Beautiful. And I will blog tomorrow.