If I knew now what I know when I made my decision to lose weight, I would have honestly stayed the weight I was.......
So done with everything....
Good Bye Readers
Remember Stay Beautiful <3
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
My Deep Thoughts...
I went to a Sober Fest this week as I have told you all in the last blog...And I must say, I never thought in my life I would be so mind blown at everything that is in my mind about life. I really thought I was ok and that all my problems were fixed, but they were just beginning and I just went and buried them. And they were things I should have talked to people about.
I have told people I have been clean from self harm for two years now. Which to a degree is the truth. I haven't exactly self harmed as in cutting or burning or attempting suicide. However, I have lived life VERY carelessly. Go a week or two without eating or drinking, walking dangerous areas, hanging with really horrible people, mixing drinks with doctor prescribed medications, the list goes on. And so I am not FULLY clean. But I am going to do so, especially after this past long weekend. I know I have come a long way from my miserable past
This past April a bunch of groups were trying to raise awareness for sexual assault and domestic violence. I would hear people make jokes about it, sometimes even laugh it off with them, but in the end I felt horrible, almost like garbage, because I was one of the people they were laughing about. Even while being in the medical field I still ignored everything. I wanted to act like that night didn't happen. I wrote about it as a blog post, but I didn't want to go further than I did.
I have told people I have been clean from self harm for two years now. Which to a degree is the truth. I haven't exactly self harmed as in cutting or burning or attempting suicide. However, I have lived life VERY carelessly. Go a week or two without eating or drinking, walking dangerous areas, hanging with really horrible people, mixing drinks with doctor prescribed medications, the list goes on. And so I am not FULLY clean. But I am going to do so, especially after this past long weekend. I know I have come a long way from my miserable past
This past April a bunch of groups were trying to raise awareness for sexual assault and domestic violence. I would hear people make jokes about it, sometimes even laugh it off with them, but in the end I felt horrible, almost like garbage, because I was one of the people they were laughing about. Even while being in the medical field I still ignored everything. I wanted to act like that night didn't happen. I wrote about it as a blog post, but I didn't want to go further than I did.
My Experience This Weekend
So folks I apologize for not posting...I am once again failing at my job, but for good reason I swear. This week I went to work at a fest.
The fest I worked at was called the Half Moon Sober Fest. And I will tell you all I HAD A BLAST! In all honesty I didn't think I would, but it was great. I didn't think I would come back home and realize with myself I have so much more to work on. I wasn't addicted to anything or drinking, but with self harm, it is a constant battle, especially when you get yourself stuck in a hole and feel you can't get out.
Anyways I made some friends. Got some hands-on experience with first aid, and had feel I am going to work on a few things.
In any case, I will be finishing my stupid 20 page paper this week and I am all yours except when I am out working to buy a car. Anyways, need to finish this paper, I feel it will be done soon, and I will post again later tonight. I have something I want to talk about.
Stay Beautiful Followers and if anyone says different kick them to the curb and walk away.
Love you!
The fest I worked at was called the Half Moon Sober Fest. And I will tell you all I HAD A BLAST! In all honesty I didn't think I would, but it was great. I didn't think I would come back home and realize with myself I have so much more to work on. I wasn't addicted to anything or drinking, but with self harm, it is a constant battle, especially when you get yourself stuck in a hole and feel you can't get out.
Anyways I made some friends. Got some hands-on experience with first aid, and had feel I am going to work on a few things.
In any case, I will be finishing my stupid 20 page paper this week and I am all yours except when I am out working to buy a car. Anyways, need to finish this paper, I feel it will be done soon, and I will post again later tonight. I have something I want to talk about.
Stay Beautiful Followers and if anyone says different kick them to the curb and walk away.
Love you!
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Shout Out Blog
Ok folks I didn't post last night because I was so dog tired after my weekend.
I would like to take the time however to help a fellow fan out with her prom she is co-hosting. The event is for all bariatric patients far and wide because we have all gone through the same struggle.
I would like to take the time however to help a fellow fan out with her prom she is co-hosting. The event is for all bariatric patients far and wide because we have all gone through the same struggle.
In order to buy tickets: http://bit.ly/SHKQk2 <<< Go To This Link!
Unfortunately I will not be attending but please please please go and have fun. Thank You!
Friday, May 16, 2014
I'M BAAAAACK!!!
HELLO EVERYONE! I am back. From a LOOOONG Hectic Hell-holish past few months. But it is summer now and I am back to write to my fellow followers. I missed you all so VERY, VERY, VERY dearly!
With that said, I shall sum up all the events that happened. First, I got a job...then lost it...Got great grades in school one semester...Then took more classes the semester after and got mediocre grades...Now I am filling out fafsa for the next semester and going to take it easy this summer. I have been working out A LOT, and going to continue.
I recently recieved some injuries to my left lower hip, thigh and back so I am ordered no gym time until my Physical Therapist clears me. Along with this injury, I have been on steroid therapy to stop the inflammation of the nerve endings. Now the pain isn't as bad as it use to be, but it is still present. So I am on crutches and out of commission for a few weeks.
Okay, now that you have briefly caught up with me, I am happy to say I am one year and three days out from my surgery and feel great. I am stuck in a stall right now, however I know that once I can start working out again, those pounds will drop instantly, so I can't wait.
I am sort of back on the dating scene, and by sort of, I mean I am looking for someone to love and be with, while all the men I seem to run into want one thing. I know eventually I will find someone who fits me well, but it does get frustrating, that time and time again all the guys want one thing. Its like, I was fat, you would never have given me the time of day. Now that I am smaller all you want from me is to lay down and then act like I don't exist. So instead, I will focus on me.
I am going to reach my goal weight this year, and I am going to make sure that I am happy with myself. I don't need anyone to make me feel good anymore. I need to complete myself and make myself feel good. I will say with this being said, there are so many areas on my body that I wish would disappear already. Like my arms, and ladies you will ALL understand this problem, but that weird lower belly pudge that no matter how many of anything you do, it will not go away. Like I am 100% sure if that pudge did not exist, I would be able to just be at my goal pant size. I can't complain too much right now, because I am at a 14/16 now. Yes people I went from a 24 to a 14/16.That my friends is exciting, in itself. I am hoping by my birthday to be a size 12, so I can just ask people for clothing gift cards. MAMA WILL NEED A NEW WARDROBE!!! But we shall see.
Image of my PERFECT Birthday: Me at Water Country, Wearing a nice swimsuit (I don't care if it is one piece or two), Have a few close friends, and gift cards from everyone! But as usual, reality sinks in...:-).
Anyways, once my physical therapist clears me to go back to the gym I am GOING HAM! I think I will bring my brother to get an I.D. and we will go together. A great way to bond. He will look good for football, I will look good in general. And we will be lean mean fighting machines. :-)
I am so happy that school is over and summer is about to commence. I love the summer so much, however I have realized in the Fall, I will be taking 6 courses. I know I can do it. One course I have to retake, but I have the homework done, so it is just a matter of turning it in and sitting through ALL the lectures...But the teachers lectures will be a great time to do other homework. It will essentially be an easy A. So, with that said, I think I will leave this be until tomorrow.
Again I have missed you all so very much. And this summer I am going to be learning to put myself on a schedule so through out the school year I will not be messing up and missing you all. In any case.
Love you all and remember, Stay Beautiful. BYE!
With that said, I shall sum up all the events that happened. First, I got a job...then lost it...Got great grades in school one semester...Then took more classes the semester after and got mediocre grades...Now I am filling out fafsa for the next semester and going to take it easy this summer. I have been working out A LOT, and going to continue.
I recently recieved some injuries to my left lower hip, thigh and back so I am ordered no gym time until my Physical Therapist clears me. Along with this injury, I have been on steroid therapy to stop the inflammation of the nerve endings. Now the pain isn't as bad as it use to be, but it is still present. So I am on crutches and out of commission for a few weeks.
Okay, now that you have briefly caught up with me, I am happy to say I am one year and three days out from my surgery and feel great. I am stuck in a stall right now, however I know that once I can start working out again, those pounds will drop instantly, so I can't wait.
I am sort of back on the dating scene, and by sort of, I mean I am looking for someone to love and be with, while all the men I seem to run into want one thing. I know eventually I will find someone who fits me well, but it does get frustrating, that time and time again all the guys want one thing. Its like, I was fat, you would never have given me the time of day. Now that I am smaller all you want from me is to lay down and then act like I don't exist. So instead, I will focus on me.
I am going to reach my goal weight this year, and I am going to make sure that I am happy with myself. I don't need anyone to make me feel good anymore. I need to complete myself and make myself feel good. I will say with this being said, there are so many areas on my body that I wish would disappear already. Like my arms, and ladies you will ALL understand this problem, but that weird lower belly pudge that no matter how many of anything you do, it will not go away. Like I am 100% sure if that pudge did not exist, I would be able to just be at my goal pant size. I can't complain too much right now, because I am at a 14/16 now. Yes people I went from a 24 to a 14/16.That my friends is exciting, in itself. I am hoping by my birthday to be a size 12, so I can just ask people for clothing gift cards. MAMA WILL NEED A NEW WARDROBE!!! But we shall see.
Image of my PERFECT Birthday: Me at Water Country, Wearing a nice swimsuit (I don't care if it is one piece or two), Have a few close friends, and gift cards from everyone! But as usual, reality sinks in...:-).
Anyways, once my physical therapist clears me to go back to the gym I am GOING HAM! I think I will bring my brother to get an I.D. and we will go together. A great way to bond. He will look good for football, I will look good in general. And we will be lean mean fighting machines. :-)
I am so happy that school is over and summer is about to commence. I love the summer so much, however I have realized in the Fall, I will be taking 6 courses. I know I can do it. One course I have to retake, but I have the homework done, so it is just a matter of turning it in and sitting through ALL the lectures...But the teachers lectures will be a great time to do other homework. It will essentially be an easy A. So, with that said, I think I will leave this be until tomorrow.
Again I have missed you all so very much. And this summer I am going to be learning to put myself on a schedule so through out the school year I will not be messing up and missing you all. In any case.
Love you all and remember, Stay Beautiful. BYE!
Saturday, October 12, 2013
I Want...
I need to take a minute to write this, a minute of my time and be selfish.
I want so much. I truly do.
I want to finish school and become a successful doctor.
I want to be the ultimate mother/working mom, known to man.
I want a loving husband, who will understand me like no one else. I want him to laugh and joke, but know when to be serious and get down to business. I want a man who will love me for me and not because he thinks since I am overweight and have below average self esteem I am easy to get in bed...I want a man who will talk to me regardless of his mood or how busy he is, notice me ALL the time not just some of the time.
I know I prayed more than ever for a good job and I got this job working as a medical assistant for challenged adults/seniors. I have prayed over and over for a man that just completes me and I only get jerks. Guys who use me, would usually consider me invisible, or guys I liked, but they have no interest in me. Pfft, I really hate being called the old maid, even if it is a joke...Out of all my friends I am the one that wants a husband, kids, and my future job. Yet, I am the only one that gets a step stone of a good job...I don't understand.
I have officially given up with guys. I am focusing on me, and whatever else happens, happens. I am not hanging with friends who have a significant other, Just sticking to myself...forever....
Anyways Stay Beautiful
Love you....Bye.
I want so much. I truly do.
I want to finish school and become a successful doctor.
I want to be the ultimate mother/working mom, known to man.
I want a loving husband, who will understand me like no one else. I want him to laugh and joke, but know when to be serious and get down to business. I want a man who will love me for me and not because he thinks since I am overweight and have below average self esteem I am easy to get in bed...I want a man who will talk to me regardless of his mood or how busy he is, notice me ALL the time not just some of the time.
I know I prayed more than ever for a good job and I got this job working as a medical assistant for challenged adults/seniors. I have prayed over and over for a man that just completes me and I only get jerks. Guys who use me, would usually consider me invisible, or guys I liked, but they have no interest in me. Pfft, I really hate being called the old maid, even if it is a joke...Out of all my friends I am the one that wants a husband, kids, and my future job. Yet, I am the only one that gets a step stone of a good job...I don't understand.
I have officially given up with guys. I am focusing on me, and whatever else happens, happens. I am not hanging with friends who have a significant other, Just sticking to myself...forever....
Anyways Stay Beautiful
Love you....Bye.
Friday, September 27, 2013
A New Form Of Hell...
Hey my fellow readers,
I am starting off by once again saying sorry. I feel that I say this more times than I should, but I have really been crazy busy, with trying to get a job, and college starting.
With all that said, I have come to find a new misery in my life. No one told me with surgery would come a new view on everything, in a literal term by the way. I have the positive view on my life as in, I feel great, my body is starting to look good, I can dance, run, and even jump. I don't eat as much and that no longer really bothers me. However, I am starting to have negative changes in my thinking and they really make me so mad.
I am becoming more judgmental of people who are in the same boat I was in months ago. If I look at someone overweight and see them eating a bag of chips, I don't think you know he/she can enjoy those chips, I think, maybe if he/she didn't eat those chips they wouldn't be in the predicament they are in. I feel guilty when I myself eat bad. If I go out and the only thing that is easy for me to eat is chicken strips, I HATE myself with a fire burning passion with every bite I chew and swallow. My mind and me have an entire conversation, about the food I am eating. "You don't need to eat that fatso, you are going to wind up right back where you started, then no one will be able to help you." I feel like I ate all my calories for that day and I could have only eaten one or two chicken strips. I HATE eating solid foods, I prefer yogurts, apple sauces, or even protein shakes, I just feel so guilty when eating anything. And I really want it to stop...it is getting to the point where I don't enjoy food, even healthy food. I eat it now because if I don't my friends are sending me to the hospital. I rather work out and be active then sit and eat lunch. I HATE absolutely HATE this new mindset I am developing.
Not only does it have to do with food...but it continues onto my body. Everyone says I look great, I lost a lot of weight, etc. But when I look in the mirror I see a fat blob still. I see the 350 pound person I was. When I tell people my goals and they say "good luck" or "I will rooting you on" or "prayers sent your way", I feel almost like they are mocking me, saying I can't do it. I know since I lost the weight dramatically quickly it takes a bit for my body to tone itself, and it happens over time and with the amount of water you drink. However, I feel DISGUSTING. I try so hard to like me for me and be happy, but then I get people who show me their perception of beautiful, and I feel I will NEVER get to be that beautiful. Hell, THAT GIRL ISN'T EVEN THAT BEAUTIFUL!!! Photoshop is amazing, however with all those pictures PLASTERED everywhere, how am I, a person who has lost about 100 pounds, suppose to feel good about themselves when everyone she sees and talks to has this effed up perception of "beauty". Grant it, people say I look good, but who wouldn't look "good" after losing 100 pounds. The other thing I hate now, is guys noticing me...HATE IT. Leave me alone, I was invisible to you before weight loss, I want to be invisible to you now. Then they don't even say nice things. "oh mama you lookin' sexy as hell with that thing on ya head." yes, because I want to look "sexy" while looking modest. Or "oh baby girl you can fulfill my Arabian fantasies." no ABSOLUTELY NOT...assholes like this don't help with my image issues AT ALL!! UGH!
I just want to be happy with my body and have a better outlook on people and food. I hope that one day my whole mindset will go back to the way it was prior to surgery. Not whole mindset, but not judging books by covers. I also hope on day I will be able to eat a small piece of cake or pie without crying or wanting to puke up everything because I had a "cheat" day. All in all I really hope no one in their right mind starts feeling the way I do, because I HATE it. Anyways, I have to get ready for class. I will surely be blogging again this week. :-)
If you don't hear from me remember to always Stay Beautiful!
I am starting off by once again saying sorry. I feel that I say this more times than I should, but I have really been crazy busy, with trying to get a job, and college starting.
With all that said, I have come to find a new misery in my life. No one told me with surgery would come a new view on everything, in a literal term by the way. I have the positive view on my life as in, I feel great, my body is starting to look good, I can dance, run, and even jump. I don't eat as much and that no longer really bothers me. However, I am starting to have negative changes in my thinking and they really make me so mad.
I am becoming more judgmental of people who are in the same boat I was in months ago. If I look at someone overweight and see them eating a bag of chips, I don't think you know he/she can enjoy those chips, I think, maybe if he/she didn't eat those chips they wouldn't be in the predicament they are in. I feel guilty when I myself eat bad. If I go out and the only thing that is easy for me to eat is chicken strips, I HATE myself with a fire burning passion with every bite I chew and swallow. My mind and me have an entire conversation, about the food I am eating. "You don't need to eat that fatso, you are going to wind up right back where you started, then no one will be able to help you." I feel like I ate all my calories for that day and I could have only eaten one or two chicken strips. I HATE eating solid foods, I prefer yogurts, apple sauces, or even protein shakes, I just feel so guilty when eating anything. And I really want it to stop...it is getting to the point where I don't enjoy food, even healthy food. I eat it now because if I don't my friends are sending me to the hospital. I rather work out and be active then sit and eat lunch. I HATE absolutely HATE this new mindset I am developing.
Not only does it have to do with food...but it continues onto my body. Everyone says I look great, I lost a lot of weight, etc. But when I look in the mirror I see a fat blob still. I see the 350 pound person I was. When I tell people my goals and they say "good luck" or "I will rooting you on" or "prayers sent your way", I feel almost like they are mocking me, saying I can't do it. I know since I lost the weight dramatically quickly it takes a bit for my body to tone itself, and it happens over time and with the amount of water you drink. However, I feel DISGUSTING. I try so hard to like me for me and be happy, but then I get people who show me their perception of beautiful, and I feel I will NEVER get to be that beautiful. Hell, THAT GIRL ISN'T EVEN THAT BEAUTIFUL!!! Photoshop is amazing, however with all those pictures PLASTERED everywhere, how am I, a person who has lost about 100 pounds, suppose to feel good about themselves when everyone she sees and talks to has this effed up perception of "beauty". Grant it, people say I look good, but who wouldn't look "good" after losing 100 pounds. The other thing I hate now, is guys noticing me...HATE IT. Leave me alone, I was invisible to you before weight loss, I want to be invisible to you now. Then they don't even say nice things. "oh mama you lookin' sexy as hell with that thing on ya head." yes, because I want to look "sexy" while looking modest. Or "oh baby girl you can fulfill my Arabian fantasies." no ABSOLUTELY NOT...assholes like this don't help with my image issues AT ALL!! UGH!
I just want to be happy with my body and have a better outlook on people and food. I hope that one day my whole mindset will go back to the way it was prior to surgery. Not whole mindset, but not judging books by covers. I also hope on day I will be able to eat a small piece of cake or pie without crying or wanting to puke up everything because I had a "cheat" day. All in all I really hope no one in their right mind starts feeling the way I do, because I HATE it. Anyways, I have to get ready for class. I will surely be blogging again this week. :-)
If you don't hear from me remember to always Stay Beautiful!
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