Hey my fellow readers,
I am starting off by once again saying sorry. I feel that I say this more times than I should, but I have really been crazy busy, with trying to get a job, and college starting.
With all that said, I have come to find a new misery in my life. No one told me with surgery would come a new view on everything, in a literal term by the way. I have the positive view on my life as in, I feel great, my body is starting to look good, I can dance, run, and even jump. I don't eat as much and that no longer really bothers me. However, I am starting to have negative changes in my thinking and they really make me so mad.
I am becoming more judgmental of people who are in the same boat I was in months ago. If I look at someone overweight and see them eating a bag of chips, I don't think you know he/she can enjoy those chips, I think, maybe if he/she didn't eat those chips they wouldn't be in the predicament they are in. I feel guilty when I myself eat bad. If I go out and the only thing that is easy for me to eat is chicken strips, I HATE myself with a fire burning passion with every bite I chew and swallow. My mind and me have an entire conversation, about the food I am eating. "You don't need to eat that fatso, you are going to wind up right back where you started, then no one will be able to help you." I feel like I ate all my calories for that day and I could have only eaten one or two chicken strips. I HATE eating solid foods, I prefer yogurts, apple sauces, or even protein shakes, I just feel so guilty when eating anything. And I really want it to stop...it is getting to the point where I don't enjoy food, even healthy food. I eat it now because if I don't my friends are sending me to the hospital. I rather work out and be active then sit and eat lunch. I HATE absolutely HATE this new mindset I am developing.
Not only does it have to do with food...but it continues onto my body. Everyone says I look great, I lost a lot of weight, etc. But when I look in the mirror I see a fat blob still. I see the 350 pound person I was. When I tell people my goals and they say "good luck" or "I will rooting you on" or "prayers sent your way", I feel almost like they are mocking me, saying I can't do it. I know since I lost the weight dramatically quickly it takes a bit for my body to tone itself, and it happens over time and with the amount of water you drink. However, I feel DISGUSTING. I try so hard to like me for me and be happy, but then I get people who show me their perception of beautiful, and I feel I will NEVER get to be that beautiful. Hell, THAT GIRL ISN'T EVEN THAT BEAUTIFUL!!! Photoshop is amazing, however with all those pictures PLASTERED everywhere, how am I, a person who has lost about 100 pounds, suppose to feel good about themselves when everyone she sees and talks to has this effed up perception of "beauty". Grant it, people say I look good, but who wouldn't look "good" after losing 100 pounds. The other thing I hate now, is guys noticing me...HATE IT. Leave me alone, I was invisible to you before weight loss, I want to be invisible to you now. Then they don't even say nice things. "oh mama you lookin' sexy as hell with that thing on ya head." yes, because I want to look "sexy" while looking modest. Or "oh baby girl you can fulfill my Arabian fantasies." no ABSOLUTELY NOT...assholes like this don't help with my image issues AT ALL!! UGH!
I just want to be happy with my body and have a better outlook on people and food. I hope that one day my whole mindset will go back to the way it was prior to surgery. Not whole mindset, but not judging books by covers. I also hope on day I will be able to eat a small piece of cake or pie without crying or wanting to puke up everything because I had a "cheat" day. All in all I really hope no one in their right mind starts feeling the way I do, because I HATE it. Anyways, I have to get ready for class. I will surely be blogging again this week. :-)
If you don't hear from me remember to always Stay Beautiful!
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