Okay so I am writing this blog because I really feel I have no where else to turn to. In a way I feel everyone has finally given up on me. My depression hasn't been this bad since high school when I was un-medicated... the problem is I am this time and I just hate everything about me...the way I look, the way I think just EVERYTHING...
Everyone tells me "oh it is okay this is just your rock bottom, you will rise." And what I want to say more than anything else to these people is..."SHUT THE HELL UP!! AND LEAVE ME ALONE! GO LIVE YOUR MISERABLY "HAPPY" LIFE AND STAY THE HELL OUT OF MINE!" It screams so loud in my mind every time someone says something, but I just smile and go, "I am better now, thank you." Haha, I am totally not better. In fact I am worse...the worse I have been in about two years.
A few days ago I am not really wanting to admit it but it is the first step to heal so, I was really considering killing myself. I thought everything was looking up, for once in my life. Thought I had a great job coming my way, on top of it, I thought I was fixing up old bridges with old friends, I am starting school for Nursing, my pell grant came through, everything was going the right way, finally. Well no no no that doesn't work in my life, are you kidding me, of course not, why would it, I am not suppose to be happy, I forgot.
So, no job, no house, school is starting and no supplies, no computer to type papers and I already have an assignment. Call shelters and show up for the stupid "lottery", and don't get in, what else is new. Here let me tell you about the lottery, you go to the shelter or call them, then fill out a paper or answer questions based off your name, age, reason for homelessness, and how long you have been without a home and a way they can contact you and you pray that by 5 they call you because if they don't then you didn't get it. Oh and if you do get accepted you better HALL ASS to the place because most places have curfew at like 3:15PM mind you I am in class sooooo no point in even wasting paper at this point. Well God did it...he listened to my wishes just 10 years too late...wishing to fall off charts is not something to do, but it's too late it has happened. My hair is falling out ten times faster than it was before...tempted to run to a barber and pay them $10 to take it all off....I can't shower and wash it anyways...I am better off...yes I am doing it tonight. I will have hair when I can care for it...its like a pet or child or something...anyways I am really not in a mood to write...I will update on my status when I can for now Stay Beautiful my fellow bloggers. <3 bye.
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