I Want...

I need to take a minute to write this, a minute of my time and be selfish.

I want so much. I truly do.
I want to finish school and become a successful doctor.
I want to be the ultimate mother/working mom, known to man.
I want a loving husband, who will understand me like no one else. I want him to laugh and joke, but know when to be serious and get down to business. I want a man who will love me for me and not because he thinks since I am overweight and have below average self esteem I am easy to get in bed...I want a man who will talk to me regardless of his mood or how busy he is, notice me ALL the time not just some of the time.
I know I prayed more than ever for a good job and I got this job working as a medical assistant for challenged adults/seniors. I have prayed over and over for a man that just completes me and I only get jerks. Guys who use me, would usually consider me invisible, or guys I liked, but they have no interest in me. Pfft, I really hate being called the old maid, even if it is a joke...Out of all my friends I am the one that wants a husband, kids, and my future job. Yet, I am the only one that gets a step stone of a good job...I don't understand.

I have officially given up with guys. I am focusing on me, and whatever else happens, happens. I am not hanging with friends who have a significant other, Just sticking to myself...forever....

Anyways Stay Beautiful

Love you....Bye.

A New Form Of Hell...

Hey my fellow readers,

I am starting off by once again saying sorry. I feel that I say this more times than I should, but I have really been crazy busy, with trying to get a job, and college starting.
With all that said, I have come to find a new misery in my life. No one told me with surgery would come a new view on everything, in a literal term by the way. I have the positive view on my life as in, I feel great, my body is starting to look good, I can dance, run, and even jump. I don't eat as much and that no longer really bothers me. However, I am starting to have negative changes in my thinking and they really make me so mad.
I am becoming more judgmental of people who are in the same boat I was in months ago. If I look at someone overweight and see them eating a bag of chips, I don't think you know he/she can enjoy those chips, I think, maybe if he/she didn't eat those chips they wouldn't be in the predicament they are in. I feel guilty when I myself eat bad. If I go out and the only thing that is easy for me to eat is chicken strips, I HATE myself with a fire burning passion with every bite I chew and swallow. My mind and me have an entire conversation, about the food I am eating. "You don't need to eat that fatso, you are going to wind up right back where you started, then no one will be able to help you." I feel like I ate all my calories for that day and I could have only eaten one or two chicken strips. I HATE  eating solid foods, I prefer yogurts, apple sauces, or even protein shakes, I just feel so guilty when eating anything. And I really want it to stop...it is getting to the point where I don't enjoy food, even healthy food. I eat it now because if I don't my friends are sending me to the hospital. I rather work out and be active then sit and eat lunch. I HATE absolutely HATE this new mindset I am developing.
Not only does it have to do with food...but it continues onto my body. Everyone says I look great, I lost a lot of weight, etc. But when I look in the mirror I see a fat blob still. I see the 350 pound person I was. When I tell people my goals and they say "good luck" or "I will rooting you on" or "prayers sent your way", I feel almost like they are mocking me, saying I can't do it. I know since I lost the weight dramatically quickly it takes a bit for my body to tone itself, and it happens over time and with the amount of water you drink. However, I feel DISGUSTING. I try so hard to like me for me and be happy, but then I get people who show me their perception of beautiful, and I feel I will NEVER get to be that beautiful. Hell, THAT GIRL ISN'T EVEN THAT BEAUTIFUL!!! Photoshop is amazing, however with all those pictures PLASTERED everywhere, how am I, a person who has lost about 100 pounds, suppose to feel good about themselves when everyone she sees and talks to has this effed up perception of "beauty". Grant it, people say I look good, but who wouldn't look "good" after losing 100 pounds. The other thing I hate now, is guys noticing me...HATE IT. Leave me alone, I was invisible to you before weight loss, I want to be invisible to you now. Then they don't even say nice things. "oh mama you lookin' sexy as hell with that thing on ya head." yes, because I want to look "sexy" while looking modest. Or "oh baby girl you can fulfill my Arabian fantasies." no ABSOLUTELY NOT...assholes like this don't help with my image issues AT ALL!! UGH!
I just want to be happy with my body and have a better outlook on people and food. I hope that one day my whole mindset will go back to the way it was prior to surgery. Not whole mindset, but not judging books by covers. I also hope on day I will be able to eat a small piece of cake or pie without crying or wanting to puke up everything because I had a "cheat" day. All in all I really hope no one in their right mind starts feeling the way I do, because I HATE it. Anyways, I have to get ready for class. I will surely be blogging again this week. :-)

If you don't hear from me remember to always Stay Beautiful!

Writing, Not Really In The Mood To Though...

Okay so I am writing this blog because I really feel I have no where else to turn to. In a way I feel everyone has finally given up on me. My depression hasn't been this bad since high school when I was un-medicated... the problem is I am this time and I just hate everything about me...the way I look, the way I think just EVERYTHING...
Everyone tells me "oh it is okay this is just your rock bottom, you will rise." And what I want to say more than anything else to these people is..."SHUT THE HELL UP!! AND LEAVE ME ALONE! GO LIVE YOUR MISERABLY "HAPPY" LIFE AND STAY THE HELL OUT OF MINE!" It screams so loud in my mind every time someone says something, but I just smile and go, "I am better now, thank you." Haha, I am totally not better. In fact I am worse...the worse I have been in about two years.
A few days ago I am not really wanting to admit it but it is the first step to heal so, I was really considering killing myself. I thought everything was looking up, for once in my life. Thought I had a great job coming my way, on top of it, I thought I was fixing up old bridges with old friends, I am starting school for Nursing, my pell grant came through, everything was going the right way, finally. Well no no no that doesn't work in my life, are you kidding me, of course not, why would it, I am not suppose to be happy, I forgot.
So, no job, no house, school is starting and no supplies, no computer to type papers and I already have an assignment. Call shelters and show up for the stupid "lottery", and don't get in, what else is new. Here let me tell you about the lottery, you go to the shelter or call them, then fill out a paper or answer questions based off your name, age, reason for homelessness, and how long you have been without a home and a way they can contact you and you pray that by 5 they call you because if they don't then you didn't get it. Oh and if you do get accepted you better HALL ASS to the place because most places have curfew at like 3:15PM mind you I am in class sooooo no point in even wasting paper at this point. Well God did it...he listened to my wishes just 10 years too late...wishing to fall off charts is not something to do, but it's too late it has happened. My hair is falling out ten times faster than it was before...tempted to run to a barber and pay them $10 to take it all off....I can't shower and wash it anyways...I am better off...yes I am doing it tonight. I will have hair when I can care for it...its like a pet or child or something...anyways I am really not in a mood to write...I will update on my status when I can for now Stay Beautiful my fellow bloggers. <3 bye.

That Night...

That night...
I wake up from...
I cry in silence from...
I wish I were dead from...

That night...
Happened so fast...
Changed me...

That night...
Wouldn't wish it on anyone...
Not even my worst enemy...
Why did it happen to me?...

That night...
Was suppose to be fun...
But it turned out all wrong...
From one small comment....

That night....
Left me dead inside....

A Letter To My Bullies

Dear Bullies,

I don't know what caused you to induce so much pain on someone you barely knew. What did she ever do to you? She was new and in need of friends. You told her you were her friend and you lead her astray. Your love wasn't real, she knew you didn't care, but she took the abuse you placed on her everyday. I wonder if you would have stopped if you known she would cry herself to sleep. Or stop if you knew she was self harming at age 7, because she didn't understand. Or if you would had stopped knowing she DREADED going to school or seeing you on the streets. Hell, she dreads seeing you now. I wonder if you would have stopped knowing she has been in and out of shrinks for depression and anxiety, not being able to deal with your constant aggression. Sure you never really laid a hand on her but your words cut her like a knife to butter. The soul purpose she would try to starve herself. The soul purpose she looks in the mirror now and doesn't see beauty, but sees a fat, loser. You are the soul reason she feels she will NEVER EVER amount to anything in life. You are the soul reason she has tried to take her own life numerous times. Sure, to you it was just jokes of being fat or not being to be active because her asthma wasn't under control, but to her it scarred her. Scarred her so bad that she is doing great. She has a 3.88 GPA, but to her, she is a moron. She has lost 82 pounds but to her, she is the fattest she has ever been. You scarred her so bad she can't even take compliments, and feels everyone laughs when she walks in a room. Laughing at her for whatever, whether it is the new outfit she bought, or the new hairstyle she thought looked cute. You scarred her so bad it even affects her relationships. She doesn't want to let anyone in after the way you were. And why the hell should she...you, damn, selfish, insecure assholes scarred her so bad that she can't feel real love and warmth when it surrounds her. She would cry and thought EVERYONE hated her because of the things you would say. The things you would do...the things you wrote on her field day shirt, or her yearbook. Oh you thought she would forget, because she is sure you definitely did. But your actions really messed her up. Most of you are starting to have children now, and would want to protect them from bullies, but think really hard at how you were in school. The PAIN you inflicted on someone else. THAT SOMEONE BEING SOMEONE ELSE'S BABY! And teach your children not to be that way. It is too late for the girl, her wounds are mending, but it is not too late for the youth of today. So please stop them from making fun of someone because they are different, you don't know what they do behind closed doors.
And to those who I bullied or poked fun at...I am truly sorry. I know these words mean nothing because of the pain I have caused. I have no idea why I did so. Maybe because I wanted someone else to feel the pain I too was feeling. For whatever my reason was I truly am sorry and hope to God I NEVER pushed anyone to hurting themselves or anything. With that said I just really want Bullying to stop....

Yours Truly,

The Victim and The Bully
Tia.

P.S. Stay Beautiful

My Inner Emotions.

I AM SO SICK OF BEING EVERYONE'S STUPID WELCOME MAT! I AM A HUMAN BEING! SOMEONE WITH EMOTIONS! SOMEONE WITH FEELINGS! SOMEONE WHO JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED WITHOUT NEGATIVITY!

I am sick of keeping people in my life who think it is okay to knock me down regardless of the situation. I have worked FAR TOO LONG to build myself up just to take more bullshit. I really just want to disappear from EVERYONE. My family, my friends, EVERYONE connected to me. Just drop out of their lives and truly see how they feel. The sad part is I know for a fact most of them won't give a single shit what happens. So fine after I start school I will only post once a week, I will be changing my phone number AND I WILL NOT be communicating with a lot of people. We will see who goes how far to make sure they have anything on or about me. In the end I already know who is going to do what. And in the end I already know who I am as a person and if that pisses anyone off then fine so be it. Maybe just perhaps the way you act pisses me off too. Anyways readers I am done ranting. Sorry about this. Stay Beautiful, I am going to go for a walk or something.

Ramadan Mubarak!!

Hello everyone! Sorry I have not posted lately. I have been off the computer because of Ramadan. I felt it gave me some more closure and time to think and plan my life from the way it was going. And I have been fixing everything I can fix. Now the rest is in God's Hands and I pray to him to help me.
Now enough with that. I have missed you readers! And from my fan mail and comments said to me I am assuming you missed me also. Which I don't mind at all. With my internship ending on Monday and trying to find myself a new job I have a lot of free time. This can be good and bad. The first thing on my agenda is to rev up my exercise. I am slowly hitting a plateau and I am not going to hit it gracefully I am going to collide into it and charge forward full force. Nothing is holding back my weight loss anymore. Once it is gone, it is gone for good.
So to talk about that. I want to talk about living as a young adult, you know where your primary thing to do is to eat with friends. It is SO FRUSTRATING TO HANG OUT WITH ANYONE! Seriously, I HATE HATE HATE going to eat out anymore. Way too much planning involved. It takes the joys out of it. I mean it is great that I can sit and talk to my friends, catch up or whatever, but in all honesty going out period is a pain in the butt.
First I have to know exactly where we are going, how long we will be out for, if we are going to go out and eat, where we will eat, etc. The list goes on. I have to pack a bag for everything. Some snack food if we don't go out but I start to get hungry. Water, I now pack 5 or 6 bottles just for myself so I can stay hydrated. A protein shake, in case I am majorly hungry. My epi-pen in case we go somewhere there is peanuts. My inhalers so I don't have an asthma attack. And then I pack whatever else I need for the day. All I know is when it comes to children I will be MAJOR prepared for whatever comes my way because I will be packed for it. Anyways at restaurants I can only eat about 4 things on the menu, then I can't order a drink or I can but can't eat. So I have to choose wisely, either which way nothing ever gets finished and I get weird looks from the waiter or waitress for being the fatty who couldn't finish their meal. I have found things like walks and sitting in the park or going to the beach way more enjoyable. Which I guess is the whole point of surgery but other than that I just have found a new hatred towards eating.
It is weird to realize how with one procedure your life changes. From friends you hang out with, to the choices you make and the activities you do. Like if I spend a day laying down I think to myself wow you are totally lazy you need to get up and go do something. Prior to surgery I didn't care I could lay down for that day and not care about anything going on. I was active when it came to fun, but lazy when it came to work. I feel so much more healthier and adventurous. My whole life seems to have taken a turn for the better.
I should tell everyone right now upfront, since we are speaking of my life changing for the better, I have decided to convert to Islamic Beliefs. It has truly spoken to me as a whole. And before anyone starts being ignorant, no it doesn't mean I am going to blow anything up, or whatever.
I have only been focused on the religious aspect of my life for about two months or so. However, I have been dedicated to it. I am planning to read the Shahada after Ramadan. I have sadly lost a few friends over converting but have gained many more. It is funny what happens to you when you grow up and do stuff on your own for once. Anyways this isn't a religious blog, this is a weight loss blog so I am going to continue with my weight loss.
I have been losing weight steadily and in another 2 months or so I will be hitting my half a year. My book is coming along wonderfully. I totally cannot wait for it to be finished next May. I am also working on two other books. One is about my medical life and slightly inspirational read and the other is a book about teenage and young adult depression and anxiety. The second one will take A LOT more work because I am fusing myself into the book along with facts and medical studies. I really want to reach out and help people who are in my shoes or been in my shoes and help them where I can. One reason I was depressed or am is because I always feel unneeded and alone. If my book makes one person not feel like that then I will be so much happier with my life, knowing what I did to help someone that day.
I should let you all know I am currently transitioning to a new location, and a new school. However I will make sure to keep this updated as much as possible on everything. I am so excited about starting my new life. Also I am starting a fundraiser for my new college because I can't afford it and sadly financial aid did not help me out as much as I had hoped. So if you would like to help out I am going to leave the link on my blog and you can donate. Thank you so much everyone. And Remember Stay Beautiful. By the way stay tuned for Deep Confessions Part 2. So excited!


http://www.gofundme.com/3s5y2g <<<< Link For Donations! Thank You! :-)

A Letter To My Depression

Dear Depression,

Who the hell do you think you are trying to control me? I am not your servant. I DO NOT cater to your every whim. I shall get out of bed AS I PLEASE, without it being a chore. I shall enjoy MY life, without your negativity screaming in the back of my mind. I shall make friends, without thinking they are pretending to like me. No more will I grab a blade for you because you sing to me that I am nothing and better off six feet under. Just because you are part of me doesn't mean you own me, or will ever for this matter. I am better than what you make me think. I am stronger than what you make me feel.
In the past this letter would have been written different to you. This letter would tell you how I only serve you. How my arms were your cutting boards, my tears were your waterfalls. I would have said in this letter that I am not good enough and will never have real friends. I would have said depression is my only friend and I will do anything in this world to make sure it was happy... I don't care the extent because I didn't care for my life. I let you control everything depression. My way of thinking, talking, writing, you owned me. But not anymore.
I went and got help. I talk my issues out. I even had to go on medication to assist me in my fight against your grasp. NO MORE WILL I BOW TO YOU. THIS IS MY LIFE AND MY LIFE ONLY! You will let me live the way I want to even on days where you come on stronger than others...you will let me make my normal everyday choices. You will let me work, hang out, and live life to the fullest. We are going to have to live together for life. I don't mind if you don't, HOWEVER, I MAKE ALL THE SHOTS!...NOT you. You are there to make things a bit challenging but NOT to complicate things completely other than that...stay quiet and leave me be. We will get along great...one year now since I let you control me and counting...I love you merely because you make me, well, me. But other than that I hate you...you are nothing more than trouble...and so depression with all this said...I close my letter to you. I have said my thoughts and will go on to sleep peacefully. I hope you do too...for a very, very, VERY, long time.

Love,
Tia.

A Boyfriend....Would Be Nice...

So here I am and left and right I see friends with their beloved counterpart. And well I WANT THAT. I would say I am not too too picky. I just want a nice, smart, funny guy that I can connect with. I would like him to be a few inches taller but no biggie. Educated preferably in the medical field as well. Someone who likes watching movies and cuddling. But it seems like it isn't happening anytime soon. Sooooo I will just have to deal and watch my friends with their happiness. Everyone needs that one friend in life that is single and gives out decent advice right? Anyways it was something that was WAY needed to come off my chest prior to sleeping. Good Night Everyone! And remember Stay Beautiful. Good Night.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!

Hello everyone! Happy Fourth Of July!!! I am sorry about not blogging...I know it is turning into a bad habit of mine. I have been so busy lately with everything. My surgery recovery to internship to just my life in general.
Recently, since everyone has told me to get a life, I have been working on it. The problem is when you are overweight you tend to have low to NO self esteem, I mean my friends, like my real friends know the real me but my new friends or the ones I try to make don't know me as well so would probably be more judgmental than my real friends. I decided to take up dancing again. It is a great class but at the class I am the biggest one and the one who came into the class in the middle of the dance year. It stinks because everyone is already friends with someone else in some way or another, but I am determined to make one friend. Also, I LOVE this class. It is Indian Classical Dance. It is really hard and I practice as much as I can but it is hard to practice when you don't really know it that well. So, the teacher is letting me come a few extra days a week to drill the dance into me as much as the other dances have it drilled into them. I know I will be ready for October (when the dance is presented) because I am not a quitter and in the years I did dance I NEVER backed down from a performance.
Another thing I tell everyone is, when I went to get the filter removed from my surgery, they found a blood clot. It is tiny so no need to worry, but they did not get to remove it because of the clot. So I have had to adjust my life accordingly because of the clot. I am on blood thinners now so I have to plan my life out more than before. Because having gastric bypass wasn't hard as is. I have to plan my day out for something as simple as going to the grocery store. Yes, I do carry a planner around now. I bring bags with me everywhere I go. I bring them to the store, out with friends, concerts, EVERYWHERE. The things I can NEVER leave home without are; Asthma Medicines, Epi-pens, Water(for the entire day), Blood Thinners, Alcohol Pads, A Snack Or Two, and Allergy Pills. Like today we went to go to the fireworks and even though they said no bags I had to bring one. I sure as hell can't carry all that in my hands and a lot of those medicines can't be exposed to sunlight so clear bags were a no go. I wanted to live life on the edge like most young adults and teens do. Now, if I forget like water, that is my life on the edge. I never loved water as much as I do now. If I forget water for a day, I get full body aches, my head HURTS, I see stars and the room spins when I get up. It is the worst feeling ever, I just want to sleep. However if I drink water after the symptoms appear an hour or so later I am good. So planning every hours of my life is hell but I feel it is good for me. Makes me feel responsible knowing I am ready for the entire day.
Today was the fourth of July. And in three days begins Ramadan. I am going to warn you all right now I am participating in this holiday and will be glad to share my experience around August 9th. I will be posting one more blog before it begins and may post a blog half way through so I can keep everyone updated. This will also give me time to work on Deep Confessions Part 2, as well as work on myself in a religious perspective. I feel I am working on myself health wise, mentality wise, but leaving religious views out. I feel maybe everyone in some aspect should have a religious side to them and everyone's views will be different but they are something you should work on as you grow older. So that is about it. I mean other than trying to find a boyfriend. That search is well not so grand but he is out there for me and one day I shall find him and be happy. Until then I will focus on me. Anyways it is late. Happy 4th Of July. I Hope everyone had a great day. I will blog again eventually. Love You. And Remember, Stay Beautiful.

My Weekend Of June 21st!

So my weekend was really eventful needless to say. I say eventful because there was some good times and some bad, but mainly good times happened. So I think to tell it I will go day by day.
FRIDAY:
So Friday I was told to go get my filter from surgery removed. I felt like everything was finally done and I could go back to getting my life back on track. I went in at nine in the morning checked in and went to ultrasound. My ultrasound technician sort of made me feel uncomfortable while examining me because first he sounded as though everything looked great, then would sound like it wasn't and get really quiet. I had the feeling I knew what was happening and I didn't like it, but tried to stay positive. He took me to Interventional Radiology and they had me strip down and change into a Johnnie. I looked in the small mirror they had in the room and told myself this is it, after this you are done and you can continue with life they way you were. I was more excited than scared at this point. Unfortunately, they fell behind schedule with the stupid procedures so I had to wait a bit of time before they could do mine. When I got into the procedure room I started getting nervous and scared however, they sedated me so I don't remember much. I remember they took a picture of the filter and told me I had a blood clot in my filter and they could not remove it. I was a mixture of emotions. If that filter was not placed in, I could potentially be dead right now. This blog wouldn't even be able to be written. They told me not to worry and with blood thinners the clot will dissolve. So they placed me on a blood thinner. Now getting things in mid-afternoon on a Friday is really hard to do. So I had to go to the E.R. to receive the first dose while I went to fill the prescription. I was in a lot of pain, I was confused about everything, anxious, and not feeling well because I have not really eaten or drunken anything that day, the disorganization of the what if's was not my friend that day. So at six that evening I was in the E.R. fighting with the admitting nurse to let me get my shot so I could go home and sleep. The nurse at the office told me she was informed of everything and she would give me it with no problem. I was so annoyed, my tiredness was the only thing stopping me from choking her out. I had to undergo blood tests and then wait for them to come back, unluckily I had my own room to wait in, so it was not so bad at all. The nurse came in with the shot and some pills. I am not suppose to take pills due to surgery, however she was not going to discharge me until I had taken the pills. So I took them and hoped everything would be alright. She gave me the shots, WHICH KILL, and sent me on my way with the prescriptions. I felt like I was going to collapse, and I have no clue why. My neck was sore and stiff and I just wanted to go and sleep. I went to CVS with my friend and filled out my prescriptions, I personally thought it was going to be a pain in the butt to do but it wasn't, it was ready in like 10 minutes, I was thrilled. My friend and I went home rested for a while then went to get some dinner and then went and got some flip-flops that were a dollar. When I came home I shaved my friend's head and gave her a mohawk (only because I couldn't convince her not to get one) ate a little bit then crashed.
SATURDAY:
I woke up at nine to give myself my shot only to find one cat puked and the other one pooped.After cleaning up everything and eating some breakfast, I then decided to dye my hair red. After about a half hour of waiting I rinsed my hair out and thought it didn't dye only to see I had really nice red tinted streaks. I couldn't complain. I showered and got ready to go out with some friends, which is what I really needed after a bad day prior to this one. We went to Lowell (we being me and two other friends) to hang with some friends.I didn't think I would have as much fun as I did, but it was a blast. We went to a new restaurant called TreMonte Pizzeria. And folks it is HARD to go out and try to order while you know the stuff on the menu will either make you sick or you just wouldn't be able to finish it all. I ended up just ordering an appetizer that I knew I could eat with no problems. The food looked delicious. And I was glad I got to experience it all with my friends. We then joined up with some other friends and decided to play the game Cards Against Humanity. It was so much fun. I didn't win, though we stopped half way through the game, so there wasn't really a winner. We then went to Wings, a chicken place, for dinner. The menu looked like there was just so much food, I decided to share my food with my friend who was also not that hungry. Then the BEST stop of the day was going to the one place I had always wanted to go to, Brewed Awakenin, I felt like a child who wanted to go to Disney and finally got to go. I had the Fruit Medley Iced Tea with Honey. It tasted a little like cough syrup but not in a bad way, then I ate a ton of ice. We sat there and talked and danced and hung out for a bit until we were invited to another friend's dorm room. When we got there we watched the Bruins game and joked around and just had some fun talking and catching up in life. When we all went home, I was so tired I just couldn't think of anything else but sleeping.
SUNDAY:
Woke up. Did Shot. Got ready for GRADUATION PARTY. Not mine however, my best friend's party. She had a lot of people there that I didn't know, but once the ice was broken I did not mind the company at all. It is hard to write about today because it was a very fast pace kind of day. Lots of guitar playing, food, people catching up in life, football games in the yard, and that is about it. I mean it wasn't a typical grad party, but who has those anymore. I know my friends don't. So yeah when I came home I felt the need to blog about my weekend, HOWEVER, it is getting late. So with that said I wish you a good night and will have another blog out tomorrow. I am sorry Sunday doesn't seem eventful but I promise you it was. I am just really tired so I quickly summed it up. Anyways, I have work tomorrow, and I am tired. So please my fellow readers remember to always...Stay Beautiful. Good Night. :-)

DOWN SIXTY-ONE!!!

Yes folks I have lost a total of 61 Pounds. I feel GREAT! NOT because of looks or anything but because I FEEL fantastic. I don't feel tired as often, or as lazy as I was before. I would like to take a minute to talk about the emails I have been receiving.
First off I would like to thank everyone who is taking the time to write me about my blog. I feel like I have already accomplished my overall goal in helping people. HOWEVER, people are emailing my business email and seeing I feel obligated to read emails and respond it is pulling time away from my work. So I came up with an idea so we can all be happy. I have decided to give you all an email spot where you can write whatever you would like about my blog and on the weekends I will read and write back. The address is mybattlethroughthepounds@gmail.com. You can write me stories, topics you would like me to talk about or whatever. I don't care I will read and respond to them all.
Secondly I would like to respond to the anonymous hate mail I keep receiving. Unfortunately I can not respond to them via email HOWEVER seeing they wrote me about the blog it would seem they are readers of my blog. Well I will say I DON'T CARE about your negative attitude for what I do in MY life. Yes, I am battling weight loss. Yes, a lot of people are known to gain weight back but I can assure you I WILL NOT be one of those people. Another thing that was said in the hate mail is "fat people ruin the economy"...well I believe it is your stupidity that is ruining the economy. A lot of people say the hate mail is bad or I should report it, but in all honesty I don't care. They are taking time out of their life to read my blog and write me an e-mail ANONYMOUSLY mind you about how much they dislike me. Well, I am gaining more from my writing than from their messages. Besides as celebrities say "All publicity is good publicity." It works the same for page views for my blog. So Thank You muchly.
Anyways I feel my blog is doing wonderful, I wish I could find time to write more because a lot of the time I do have A LOT on my mind that I would like to get out and talk about however by the time I get home I don't really remember what I wanted to say. So I started bringing a notebook with me everywhere. Today I went for a walk with my friend to a great frozen yogurt place and had some raspberry and lime froyo. It was delicious, we started to walk back after eating and I began to realize the complications of the surgery. I felt crampy and bloated, so we had to stop a few times. When we got home I was sweating as though I ran a marathon so I took a shower and did my hair and rested. So now that I am feeling better I am writing my blog. I feel writing at least weekly is good to catch people up on my life. I have been going to a bunch of graduations and I look back on my life and really glad I am out of high school. I don't miss high school, however I truly miss my friends from high school. I have been thinking once I am done with this whole experience, like down to my goal weight, I should have a "Birthday Party" where I show everyone the new me. I think I should do that. Show everyone that I could do it and that I will continue to do it.
Anyways again thank you for the emails. Thank you for reading and celebrating my triumphs. Good Night and Remember My Lovely Readers Stay Beautiful.

Those Were Some Enjoyable Burpees...Said No One Ever.

Okay so from the title I am sure you all have figured out this blog is about...you guessed it...EXERCISE! Well if you are surprised that a weight loss blog is going to have exercise in any blog maybe you should look into what it takes to lose weight.
Anyways I have finally came full circle and started working out again, YAY!! Before, I was one of those people who would consider getting out of bed the daily exercise and if stairs were involved in my day I was "lucky" I got some cardio. HOWEVER, I am no longer like that. I will say it is SO hard to get back into wanting to work out again. I feel like I want to punch someone in the face every-time they ask "do you feel the burn?" As my friend has pointed out no you don't feel that until the next day what you feel the day of doing a workout is the feeling of having a heart attack. Well trust me when I say this folks, day one is the bad day, day two is still bad but not too much, day three it will feel a little easier and after day three you can do it. I would recommend starting with basics like I did. Nothing too hard, the harder it is the less likely it will be for you to go back to it.
The exercises I decided to try are dancing, jump roping, running and weights, they are toning weights so nothing more than five pounds. I start by running. Now I am not doing a full blown run, it is more like a light jog right now but I am working my way up. I started by jogging or brisk walking home from the train station. When I come home I do some jump roping then I go into the weights and dancing then I stretch out. I won't lie it was hard to get into the swing of things at first but I was doing it for my health.
My tip to people is DO SOMETHING YOU ENJOY. Even if it is a walk to your friend's house or biking to the lake or stone collecting. Even housework and gardening is considered a workout now. So find something that is fun. Another thing, don't it for vanity reasons do it because you want to be healthy and live a long and great life. I use to work out for vanity issues and that didn't go anywhere. I love working out now because I know the health benefits and I know it gets easier as I go.
Another recommendation would be to set some short term goals and some long term. Some short term would be lose 10 pounds by next month. Or be able to run a mile. Long term would be like run the Boston Marathon in 5 years. I post my goals places I know they will be safe and I will see them everyday. Your goals can seem stupid to one person but that doesn't matter. They are something you want to accomplish throughout your life. Don't let anyone tear you down. Stay strong and move on. It will happen if you believe in it.
Anyways I will blog more after the Bruins game. I love Boston Teams. I am a DIE HARD Bostonian so yeah. I Have said all I wanted to say today about exercise. I feel tonight may come another deep confessions type post. Anyways if I don't blog again tonight I will tomorrow. GO BRUINS! And Remember Stay Beautiful!!!

Post Gone Bad...I guess I had a few emotions about the subject!

Okay so seeing this blog is about battling weight loss and I haven't really spoken too much about it I have decided I am going to talk about the issues of being a young adult and trying to lose weight.
So everyone knows that as an American young adult (includes, adolescents, teens, college students) your diet is far from healthy as it can get. There is a lot of socializing and with that comes food. Food like fries, ice cream sundaes, candy, fried dough, pizza, etc. Well let me tell you all something...IT IS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE FOR A YOUNG ADULT TO LOSE WEIGHT AND NOT BE A SOCIAL OUTCAST! I know from experience. No one wants to hang with the kid who has to eat a salad while the friends are eating  like a double cheeseburger with extra bacon. In America diets have such a negative impact in the world. I remember in high school my biology teacher asked me what my diet was and I thought she was calling me fat she then explained to us in the science fields diet isn't like I am going to have some water and salad it is what you eat. Like a low sodium diet isn't saying you have high cholesterol it is saying you don't want all that salt. I feel if America turned the negativity away from "dieting" and STOP coming up with ridiculously UNSAFE fad diets and just removed the garbage from the over processed food or oh here is a good idea GET OFF OUR GLUTEUS MAXIMUS AND COOK RATHER THAN ORDER FOOD OFF OUR COMPUTER OR WHATEVER! We would be fine. I understand occasionally there are times you don't want to cook then don't cook. Eat left overs. The benefits you will soon see is the weight you lost your wallet quickly gains. YAY!
Anyways this isn't about America as a whole it is about the Young Adults. Well I blame well all active parties in a young adults life. I am sorry parents you are somewhat part of that as well although not completely. I mainly blame schools.Well I can't blame schools right now I am going to start at the top and work down. In 2011 Congress issued a bill declaring pizza is a vegetable so it can stay a main part of school lunches. Are you kidding me? Pizza...the thing that doctors want you to stay away from is now a "vegetable". So now we have all these people with high cholesterol running around stating they "eat their vegetables" well SHAME ON YOU CONGRESS! Shame on you for not caring about the health of America's future and shame on you for making pizza a vegetable. Anyways I will continue back to schools. Through the year's as I went through school and seen my brothers go through school I have looked at the menu and even though they are trying to get better the menu is carbs on top of carbs. Sure they will give you some fish if that is what you want to call it but it is CAKED in bread crumbs and I want to say fried even though they are "baking" everything now but then with the fish comes corn, mashed potatoes or tater tots some fruit juice, and milk. Well, there isn't any nutrients in all of that, its just filling to make the children not complain for about the next 2 hours or so. In high school it is even worse. You have burgers, pizza, sandwiches, fried chicken, etc. I mean I was lucky and had a salad bar in my high school, but I will be honest no one really used it but the teachers and the popular girls who were constantly on fad diets. Anyways I understand schools have a budget for food but they are not helping the budget of obesity in America for young adults. The next thing I want to hit is the removal of Health Class. My generation was probably only lucky enough to have it in Middle School. But playing dodge ball everyday isn't going to teach me how to eat right so I can stay full and active like when I am in gym class. Some children's parents don't know this stuff and so it is important they get the info somewhere. Now I am not saying go into full detail with each child and create a meal plan I am saying start the education in kindergarten so they adapt the proper eating and will grow happy and healthy. The next on my blame list is unfortunately parents. Now I know you can't control little Timmy from buy $20 worth of crap at the corner store with his friends and eating it before he gets home, however YOU control what comes into the house. If you aren't buying fruits and vegetables and meat to cook, but instead overly processed food like frozen mac & cheese dinner or hamburger helper or whatever else they sell to a working mother then SHAME ON YOU! I am sorry but little Timmy shouldn't eat that on a daily or weekly basis. I know cooking is draining, time consuming and not many want to do it. HOWEVER if you plan and prep it will be so much easier on you and Timmy won't have junk on top of junk and maybe see his 25th birthday. In the frozen dinners and prepared meals are TONS of sodium and other things our body DOES NOT need. Next time you go to buy something just glance at the nutritional facts, trust me you will put it down and make it yourself. I know from experience while living with my grandmother we ate already prepared food 2 times the entire time everything else was home made and I felt so much better. I lost 30 pounds without even really trying, I wasn't as tired, and to top it off I felt the energy I had when I was a small child.
Anyways I don't mean to attack everyone I did. Being a young adult and trying to lose weight is really hard. You are most likely still with your parents so you can't really bring in what you would like, but you can ask your parents if they could get some stuff for you, I am sure they won't decline the offer. When I reached college I started bringing my own lunch to school. I was tired of the unsatisfying food they had. Some people don't have that option so I would say pick from the best thing there. Break your food down. If you can't choose healthy because everything is garbage don't eat all of it. Listen to your body it will say when it is full. Also America START COOKING THEY HAVE SLOW COOKERS FOR A REASON!!! I can not emphasize the cooking I can't.
Anyways this was going to be a good post and sort of turned into a rant with how ridiculous everything is becoming so I apologize. Since this is yesterdays blog I am not cheating you out of today's blog and will do that when I come home. I love you guys. And please remember Stay Beautiful.

Deep Confessions Time

So I feel that I should do a deep confessions blog because, well this blog is about a whole new me and what better way to have a whole new me than to tell you the reasons I did weight loss surgery, well the mental reasons anyways.
So I have been on the bigger side of the scale since I can remember, I didn't really have friends until about age 11. I always new I was bigger but it didn't bother me until about first grade. I will never forget the day. We were at lunch waiting in line when one of the girls in the line was picking one me like kids do. I just ignored her as best as I could until she started calling me a fat-so and other non-creative fat names. The other kids in line started laughing so I went to the lunch mother and reported her (the child) to the woman. Now as a lunch mother your job is to make sure during lunch the children feel safe, and happy and stay in line while eating and socializing. Well, she didn't yell at the girl but instead yelled at me saying the words that will forever be ingrained in the back of my head "So what, you are fat, and will probably always be fat you need to deal with it." THAT IS WHAT YOU TELL A SIX YEAR OLD!! DEAL WITH THE BULLYING!! And smile while the other kids are laughing at the remark you made. In all honesty after that all the fat jokes in the world did not hurt me as much as that did. I wanted to disappear, shrivel up inside and just be invisible. I didn't talk to anyone that lunchtime, or eat. How could you when the person watching you eat just called you fat. The other girl who was originally picking on me apologized before we went back to class and said that the lunch mother was mean. I laughed how could someone who was being mean to you call another person mean. As I grew up I learned to laugh at the fat jokes because clearly every weight loss plan under the sun was not working for me in some way. I would do great losing weight then plateau after about 20 or 30 pounds. Some weight loss plans I didn't even lose weight. I learned if I couldn't be "beautiful" on the outside I would have to be "beautiful" on the inside.
Middle school was probably about the worst three years of my life. My "friends" I had I later figured out weren't really my "friends" I was around for them to pick on. A mere scapegoat for their issues in life. I didn't care though because I was hanging with the crowd everyone wanted to hang with. So even though I was hurting I was happy. Eventually their "friendship" started wearing thin and I felt like I was losing them so as bad as it sounds I would steal money from my parents and pay for things for them. And again I started to be their "friend". Now most of you are probably like what is a few $5 here or there. It wasn't $5 or $6 at a time, but $20 or $40 or a few times even more. I didn't care about the trouble I got into at home. I had "friends" who I thought cared about me and respected me for who I was. I realized it wasn't the case on my 12th birthday. All my other birthdays people went to, they were places similar to Chuck E Cheese. My 12th birthday was going to be simple at home and have some cake, ice cream, pizza and dancing and a pinata. My friend who didn't show up because she was really sick, but came the next day with a present, made out all the invitations and handed them out to everyone. I had about 16 invitations made...not a single person showed up. A week or two after the party everyone asked if I can go hang out, I said no because I was still hurt, I didn't get a happy belated birthday NOTHING from the group I thought were my best friends. Mind you when it came to their birthday I would go out of my way to make sure they were happy with a nice present, and a card and sometimes even money in the card. I don't care if I got presents, they are nice but I didn't want that, I wanted a "hey I am so sorry I missed you're party, I hope it was good." or "happy belated birthday girl! hope you had a blast." SOMETHING, ANYTHING! But that wasn't the case. I asked them why did every single one of them missed my party and they all looked at each other as if to say what party. Then they all made up their excuses and said bye since I didn't want to go out. I played it off to everyone as though I didn't care but I don't think I fooled anyone.
I decided I wasn't going to continue high school with people that didn't care for me anyways so my mom and I started looking at other high schools. My mom found a nice vocational school for me to go to in a completely different town. We went to go see the high school and I was so happy with it. The day I got my acceptance letter from them was the happiest day ever. I went to the school and felt like I had a clean slate for new friends and a new life. My freshman year was grand, my grades were not the best but I was getting use to everything. It seemed in this school when the English teacher had us write an essay on why we came to that school everyone else was similar to me in that they were bullied at their old school, or they didn't have friends, or whatever the case was. I felt like if anyone would understand my pain of no friends it would be the students of this school. Unfortunately, I had to stay back a year sophomore year because my grades slipped from me getting involved in too much. So, I backed out of those things went to focus on school and my grandmother got sick and unfortunately passed away. I went into a huge depression. I felt I had lost what I felt was my only true friend. I didn't care about anything. School, friends, myself, nothing at all. The depression and weight gain increased and turned into a vicious cycle. I thought about suicide on a daily basis, sometimes even two or three times a day. I started to hate my shop teachers with a passion, I found no joy in going to school. The only little joy I had in the world was my music. I decided to switch shops, if I had to stay back again I WAS NOT doing it in the same shop as before. In my other shop I had a few friends who were a grade ahead and behind so I saw them in homeroom. I started feeling numb even listening to music, so I started cutting. Not because I wanted to die like everyone believes but because I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel the love my family gave me, or the pain of people who disliked me. NOTHING, I was hollow. I started to intentionally make my parents mad. I didn't care. I would do anything and everything to make them angry, I guess I wanted someone else to feel the way I felt. My third sophomore year I got a huge infection, no one to this day knows why it happened. Just the doctors wrote it off that I am fat and need to lose weight. The infections would come back almost every two or three weeks. I became even more depressed, I finally start doing amazingly well in school and now I have this sickness holding me back. My family and everyone was worried about my sickness, I was worried about school. I didn't give two shits if my leg would fall off I WAS NOT staying back a fourth time. My guidance counselor pulled A LOT of strings to make sure I was able to move forward, and I was. Junior and Senior year I still had the infections because no one would truly listen to me about everything that happened before my ailment and would once again say "if you just lose some weight you will be fine." One infection the IV nurse found some cuts looking for a vein and had a psychiatrist come and evaluate me. He asked me the main question that had me stop cutting. "Why do you cut?" I couldn't answer it fully. I mean I felt numb isn't a grade A answer. To me it was an addiction. I couldn't sleep without doing it. Since I had no door to my room I waited until everyone was asleep and brought out my kit and did it in the dark. Some nights I fell asleep with the razor in my bed so would wake up with more cuts than I intended. My life wasn't going anywhere, I sucked at EVERYTHING I did. And the thing the doctors always wrote off I was fat. My Senior year wasn't how I planned it. While my friends were relaxing and enjoying the last year of high school, I was working my ass off to make up everything I would miss due to being in the hospital. I couldn't do it. I had a mental breakdown and just balled my eyes out to the head of the guidance department. I felt everyone was against me instead of with me. I had to double in math, my weakest subject and I just couldn't do it. I was so negative and short fused my Senior year. With everyone. I was jealous of everyone I went to school with because while I was home doing make-up work they were on the senior cruise. And while I was home because I couldn't afford it everyone else was at senior prom. I didn't even want a yearbook, but my Art teacher bought me one because I helped her out a lot that year and she felt every senior deserved to get one. I still have mixed feelings about my year book and looking through all my friends pictures on face-book, but everything happens for a reason.
After high school I decided to go to a 10 Month Accelerated program for Medical Assisting. There is where I gained my true friends, I gained confidence in myself, and I learned to achieve. It is also there I look back on everything I just told you and said "You are over 18, you can have the surgery and lose the weight and not have to listen to the doctors say it is because you are fat." And that is what I did. I was born July 8th 1992 BUT I was REBORN May 13th of 2013. I have lost 56 pounds+ and I feel amazing. I am so glad I went on this journey to change my life around. Anyways I think I have said enough for today I am going to write in my planner from now on to write a blog. Because I sadly keep forgetting. So anyways my loves Stay Beautiful. And I will blog tomorrow.

My Life: From The Past Several Weeks In A Nutshell

HELLO EVERYBODY!!!! Man o man do I have some news for everyone! I am up there in the happy clouds. I had my surgery last week my extern site is going fantastically! And to top it all off I have lost weight. Which was the whole point of this blog. :-) YAY!! Anyways even though I can not eat I am starting a new blog for recipes. I have a ton of tasty new things for everyone to cook and try. From nice salads to some hey I just want some fat food. Everything is ok in small amounts. I will be making facebook groups for my two blogs so they are easier to follow and people can comment like and share and I will be able to see. Anyways, so I have been gone for a very long time and I am sorry for that. I was working with school and viewing apartments and of course getting surgery which surprisingly takes a lot out of you. Anyways my externship is great so far I had some rocky days but now that I am more independent at my job it is great. The surgery went well and I am going to talk about that seeing a lot of people had questions galore to ask. So my surgery was Monday May 13th 2013. Remember that day folks because it is my new birthday! So we went in at like 6 in the morning. We meaning my support group well part of my support group. It consisted of my mom and my best friend who for legal reasons I can't say her name but she knows who she is. Anyways we went in and had to fill out paperwork galore...because that is what I like to do at 6 A.M. is think about what illnesses my mother and fathers family had. Anyways I finished the paperwork sort of and was then told to go get ready for surgery in the prep room with the nurse. I had a PICC line in so they hooked up the IV and asked me 5 million questions then put stickies all over me, had me change my clothes, then say my goodbyes and what not to my support group. We went to the surgical room and they placed me on a really thin bed. The anesthetist placed a mask over my face and let the gas flow. It tasted horrible, I sort of wanted to rip it off and freak out...I was so nervous. I guess I fell asleep and the next thing I remember is waking up in a room where my friend and mom were and having nurses talk to me about stuff. Everyone said I did a great job with the surgery and the doctor was pleased with the results. The first day I felt so horrible I had more wires than I knew what to do with. I had a catheter, some wires for a heart monitor some wires for my pulse, blood pressure, oxygen, breathing machines, etc. I had like no response to it so I freaked out. I got some pain meds and went back to sleep. My friend went home for a nap and my mom stayed a little longer to make sure everything was okay. When she went home the nurses wanted me to sit up in a chair for a few minutes. I looked at them like they were crazy but I did it. I saw for about 10-15 minutes before crawling back into bed and going to sleep. The next morning a friend stopped by and made sure I was going to have a miserable stay in the hospital. And ladies all of you know who I am talking about. Let me tell you uncle tom and blood thinners DO NOT mix. I woke up to feeling like I had pissed myself but with a catheter you can't it isn't possible unless it comes out. Well the catheter came out that morning because I took it out and got my whole friend situated. Once that issue was solved a nurse came in to tell me I now had to walk up and down the halls...Are you kidding me?? I had surgery the day before you just saw me have an unpleasant visitor and now you want me to walk? Well I did it. And I did it twice then three times. I felt a little better than the day before. I made it my routine in the hospital to wake up, go to the bathroom, take a walk, then come back to my room for a nice nap. On Wednesday however my heart was going everywhere and they drew my blood and found my magnesium was off. With that said they went and put me on magnesium over night. I got nervous because I thought it meant I was not going to go home but I went home on Thursday to begin my new life. I was given three packets of paper that say how to care for everything. Needless to say I know by heart I agreed to not bare children for 18 to 24 months...not that I was planning to anyways. 

People ask me a lot if I notice any changes in eating or drinking yet. Well I can only eat popsicles and jello so I didn't notice much in food other than I get full of a 3oz. jello or a popsicle. Also with protein shakes I am suppose to drink like 4-8oz. right now per serving to get my protein, however I get full off 2-3oz. of protein. I feel as the swelling and whatnot goes down and back to normal I will be able to eat more but for now I eat when I am hungry and drink drink drink my fluids. The first two or three days home I felt so sick I didn't want to do anything but sleep. I felt worse than I did in the hospital. Smells of food made me nauseous, I had a headache like no other, my chest was killing me, I started regretting the surgery. But I forced myself to walk, drink and stay hydrated, and do my breathing exercises, I was skeptical about starting my protein when I should have so I waited until the Monday morning to start and I am glad I waited that long. By Monday I felt well and able to add to the diet. The taste of my protein shake did change and I was sad, but I pressed through saying it was for my health. Now I have 3 shakes a day and 100oz. of fluid mainly water a day. Even though my doctor wants you resting for two weeks I had to go back to my externship so I wouldn't get kicked out of school. My co-workers are great about everything. They understand if I can't do something. I have been taking it easy for the most part doing the desk jobs and grabbing papers for the doctor. I feel better going to work at home I was feeling a bit down thinking about how people say they can't eat certain things anymore and what not. When I get like that I think about how everything is changing for the better and who cares if I can't have the things that I love some of those things got me where I am now. However I dread trying to fathom not eating salads or baby spinach or haddock or cod or tuna or chicken. Those bother me the most. I have been craving baked haddock for quite sometime now and can't wait until I can eat some fish again. Anyways I have brought you up to where I am now. Working and going easy on my tummy. Soon I will be rocking some cool summer clothes I haven't worn since I was 12. Like dresses and shorts and nice summer shirts. I will be fierce and confident. Just Wait. Anyways guys I am going to go to bed. Good Night and please remember Stay Beautiful :-). 

I Am So So So Sorry Guys! My Love Is Always Here Though!

Hello folks I am going to start out by saying I am so sorry about not writing. After not getting my surgery and the Boston Tragedy and finals in school I have been wanting to write and just kept putting it in the back of my mind. Well I am going to start again because I love you folks who read, and I love writing about my struggle in everyday life for people to relate to. With that said welcome back.

Okay, so first on my agenda is I would like you all to poke around on my blogger page. I have a few things on here that I would like people to try to use. I have a follow me section, what you do is leave your email and you receive a message about my newest blog, pretty neat. I also have a spot for the fruits and vegetables that are in season currently. I figured this being a weight loss blog I should have something healthy on here. And last but not least I have a Leave Me Some Feedback. Feedback for anyone is great. Negative, positive, have a question, write something anything and I promise I will try to work with it in my next post. Okay with that said I will move on.

So everyone is probably wanting to know what happened with my surgery. Well seeing I have issues with lymphedema and circulation, because I am large, I need to have a filter placed into my femoral artery. On top of that I am a very hard stick again because I am large and also I have crappy veins so they are wanting to place a P.I.C.C line. In order to do so you need to go to Interventional Radiology and they do these "small procedures" for you. So as I was on my way and ready the machine breaks and freezes. So my surgeon decided to post pone my surgery to a later date. I decided I deserved a tuna sandwich at this point and went to eat one as a reward. With that said, yes I am back on the liquid diet until my surgery date May 13th. The filter and P.I.C.C. line will be placed in on the Friday before surgery so we won't have any reasons to turn back. In the mean time I am shoving my face full of yogurt and wishing I could have one salad to curb my cravings, but we all know what one salad leads to.
Anyways so far on the liquid diet I have lost my own zip code and am no just a house address which is good I suppose. The post before surgery I will reveal to the world my real numbers but for right now I am just going to let you guess. Anyways school for me is done, thank god, and now I have to do my externship. It is interesting to see how you have to apply what you learned in school to the real world, it has only been day one but I pray I get the hang of it later on. The only thing that has really changed in life is instead of school I go to work, sadly I don't get paid yet, but I have a strong feeling that soon I will. Only 192 Hours Left!

I have so much I would like to accomplish this year I don't think I have the space time-wise to do so. My thoughts lately have been jumping around from one thing to another. I have been trying hard to get an apartment and car. Cheap apartment and car but what else would anyone expect. Anyways, I have decided this summer is my summer to only wear dresses unless weather permits pants for whatever reason...it is New England after all. I feel with a new look on life I deserve a new look myself. It's My NEW ME year. Anyways that is all for now. OH! one more thing I think I am going to start vlogging, it is not official yet but just a heads up! I will spread more details when I start doing it. Anyways this is all I am going to write for right now. I am super tired. I will post tomorrow. Anyways good night. Love you guys. <3 Stay Beautiful!

Half Way Point Of The Liquid Diet.

Hey guys. I would like to start off by saying sorry for not posting a blog in the last three days. I have not been feeling well at all. I would also like to point out I am about halfway through my liquid diet before my surgery. I feel that my body will eventually not become so sick and just let me go back to my normal routines. I know with the liquid diet that my body is using the fats I have stored to nourish my body but cravings and lack of chewing is causing me pains I can't explain. I feel achy, tired, nauseous, and easily agitated. It helps me to know that I am doing this for my health and after this week it will be well worth the long battle.

In order to reserve some energy for tomorrow in class I have been relaxing, drinking plenty of fluids, and so I don't have cravings avoiding the kitchen and watching t.v. I decided to watch netflix. There is a movie called Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead. It is about a man who is tired of being sick and big and wants to change his life for the better. He goes on a juicing fast for 60 days while travelling across the US. It is pretty interesting to watch and I have learned a lot about my body while watching the movie. Please note that everything I am doing and that he does in the film is monitored by medical professionals and you should in no way try it on your own without consulting with your doctor first.

In the film he touches base on his emotions on the first few days or so and I feel I have't really done so with you as my readers. I would like to say emotionally right now I am feeling confident but at the same time I feel  like I have to exclude myself from a lot with my friends and family. A lot of things my friends and family do revolve around food and seeing I can't eat food right now I feel I have to decline or try to steer them in a food less direction. It can be hard because a lot of good times happen around cooking with them or eating and in some regards I feel that I am punishing them with my diet. Why should they have to be punished when I am the one who wants to lose the weight? Well in trying to fix that I have planned out a lot of cool things to look forward to this summer. Seeing I have never been to Water Country I feel maybe my friends and I should plan a trip there or maybe even go to Six Flags over the weekend. Instead of spending $100 on food and go home feeling like we are about to explode we can spend it on a trip somewhere and have memories that will last forever. These small things help me to get through no longer eating with friends or family. Another thing I have been struggling with is feeling as though I will never be able to eat again. This emotional roller coaster is taking a toll on me along with the liquids only. I feel drained and just want to sleep until next Monday. I don't really know how many posts this week I am going to do because I definitely know this week I am going to be sleeping as much as I can. Anyways this is all I can really write down for today. <3 Stay Beautiful.

Protein Supplements....Is It Good For You?

So seeing I am on a liquid diet I feel that I should talk to you about my liquid diet. My liquid diet consists of protein shakes, soup broth, unsweetened applesauce, diluted juice, sugar free Jell-O and yogurt with no fruit pieces (I stuck with vanilla). Protein is key to staying full and active with plenty of energy. A good way to start your morning is with protein. I do my Muscle Milk protein shake in the morning and afternoon. For snacks I like a lighter protein so I will have some yogurt or applesauce. For dinner I usually am home and depending on my appetite I will have some broth or a shake again. My goal is to have between 60 - 65 grams of protein a day. So most people think if you buy a protein powder from the vitamin store or the health food store that it is automatically good for you. THAT IS NOT THE CASE! I want to teach you how to find a good protein powder so if you wanted to replace your meals with a protein shake you won't have any problems doing so. The first thing you want to do when looking at a protein powder is look at the Nutritional Facts label. A good protein powder or pre-mixed drink will have 20 or more grams of protein per serving. The Muscle Milk I use currently is 30 or so plus the protein from my milk which is 8 grams. So in one serving I am getting 38 grams of protein. The next thing you want to look at is the calories in the protein shake. This is where companies try and trick you with hidden sugars and weight gaining no-no's. A good protein will have about 200 or less. The Muscle Milk I use has about 150, you should also look at the calories from fat because if its 200 calories and 100 are from fat chances are it may not be good for you in the end. Another good protein source I like is Carnation Instant Breakfast No Sugar Added. You just add some milk and stir. Some protein powders are made from soy, milk, vegetables, and nuts. So if you are like me and have food allergies you should read the labels to make sure you aren't going to get sick. If you want to have the premixed protein drinks, you should be really careful of the amount of sugar they put into them. Drinking empty calories is not a good way to go. When transitioning to drinking protein you may get tired at first but don't stop your body is only getting adjusted to the shock. Also they have unflavored protein powders so you can mix them with fruits and vegetables and make your own delicious flavor. With that said go out there and make some smoothies especially with the warm weather coming in. And remember Stay Beautiful.

Hump Day For The Liquid Diet!

Hey Everyone! I would like to congratulate myself for a few things before I tell you about my day. First off I would like to say thank you to my readers you have boosted my confidence a lot. Second off I am going to do a little congratulations dance for my page having 18+ views in just one day. And my other congratulations to myself goes to three days strong of just drinking fluids. Can I get a big woot woot!! Anyways everyone will be happy to know that I am no longer tired. I have energy galore today and I don't know why. Today in class we have two tests then I am leaving early to go to some doctors appointments. I realized that I stay in school for about 8 hours a day and I am only in class for 4 so for the other 4 I will write a blog about my morning so if its a great day you will get TWO whole blogs from me. YAY! Anyways this morning was a beautiful day, a little chilly but gorgeous. I may go for a walk or two today depending on how it is after the appointments. I weighed myself to check in and I am happy to say I lost 3 pounds on top of the weight I lost before they okayed my surgery. So I feel I am on the right track but I also feel I lost that weight because all I am doing is drinking fluids.

I would like everyone to know I am going to make a separate blog for recipes and exercise, which I will do when I have made a few of them and done some at home exercise. I would like to let everyone know that so far the plan is the 14th will either be my last post or my friend will be writing my posts for me. I have no clue I need to see how I will be after surgery.

Ok now to tell everyone about my day. I went and saw my therapist. We talked about the upcoming surgery and the things that will be changing in my life soon. I was glad to talk to someone about the big changes and how to take them on one at a time. It was good to get a few things off of my chest. I also feel I did really well on my tests in class today so I am looking forward to receiving my grades. Trying hard for the president's list this term. Today with the liquid diet was okay. The good news is I am no longer craving any foods too much. I am still sleepy and drained but for the most part I can function. I don't know though we will see. I will say chicken soup protein is NASTY. At least I am halfway to my goal, and one step closer to my overall achievement.  Remember folks weight loss IS NOT a temporary thing it is a LIFESTYLE change, and until you can realize that you are not going to reach your goal. With that said I am going to go and get my 8 hours in. I will blog some more tomorrow I do know what tomorrow will be about...stay tuned and stay beautiful!

The Beginning Of My Battle

Hello. For those of you who do not know me, my name is Tia. I am 20 years old and I currently go to school as a Medical Assistant. You are probably asking why on earth would I start a blog if I seem normal. Well the answer is quite simple. I AM FAT!...and sick of it. That is what this whole blog is about. Me being fat and trying to lose weight...scratch that. SUCCEEDING at losing weight. I feel that doctors just want to make you miserable and tell you to lose weight but never tell you HOW. It's a pain in the ass really. Yes I know I am fat I didn't need you to tell me my pants are size "Enter Your Own Zip Code Here", all I wanted was for you to fix my damn allergies. Anyways enough of me poking fun of doctors. I am a 20 year old that is on a journey for a new healthy lifestyle. I hope writing a blog will keep me on my toes. I will admit yes I am getting the Gastric Bypass, but let me tell you IT IS NOT THE EASY WAY OUT. I am committing to a lifestyle that will last longer than any lovey dovey relationship. So here is a little about myself. I am 5' 4" right now I weigh about 320 Pounds (I know...I said enter in my own zip code for a reason). I am allergic to peanuts, soy, wheat, and eggs. I am slightly active but recently the energy I have is like getting out of bed and riding the transit is my work out for the day. My gastric bypass is April 15,2013. I am currently on an all liquid diet. In this blog I hope to cover everything about weight loss from nutrition and recipes to exercises and emotional issues. Even though I want to blog EVERYDAY I know with the hectic life I live it probably won't be everyday. It will be as everyday as possible. So now that I covered some of who I am I feel as every battle has, I should tell you my history.

I have been fat 90% of my life. Though I was fat I was active. I was in swimming, dancing, martial arts, girl scouts, you name it I probably did it once or twice. The doctors always told me to lose weight, I tried every childhood diet known to man. And the one thing that always pissed me off is one dietitian said this is right when another said this is wrong. Why can't they all agree to one thing. Anyways, so a year ago a friend of mine and I decided to get in shape. I worked my ass off in the gym and it started to show. My face got thinner and pant size went down to "Enter Your Own House Address" and I started to feel great. After about 30 pounds though I plateaued and I stopped the weight loss. It was depressing to see. I thought if I worked out harder that I would start losing weight again, but sadly it didn't work. I sort of gave up on the gym and heard that my mom was starting up for the weight loss surgery. So I talked to my doctor and she thought I would be a great candidate for it. So I called the surgery place and they told me how to get started. And here I am less than 14 days away from my surgery. I can't wait to start dropping pounds like mad. But that for the most part is all I can tell right now. I will have so much more to speak of tomorrow. Stay Tuned.