Okay so I am writing this blog because I really feel I have no where else to turn to. In a way I feel everyone has finally given up on me. My depression hasn't been this bad since high school when I was un-medicated... the problem is I am this time and I just hate everything about me...the way I look, the way I think just EVERYTHING...
Everyone tells me "oh it is okay this is just your rock bottom, you will rise." And what I want to say more than anything else to these people is..."SHUT THE HELL UP!! AND LEAVE ME ALONE! GO LIVE YOUR MISERABLY "HAPPY" LIFE AND STAY THE HELL OUT OF MINE!" It screams so loud in my mind every time someone says something, but I just smile and go, "I am better now, thank you." Haha, I am totally not better. In fact I am worse...the worse I have been in about two years.
A few days ago I am not really wanting to admit it but it is the first step to heal so, I was really considering killing myself. I thought everything was looking up, for once in my life. Thought I had a great job coming my way, on top of it, I thought I was fixing up old bridges with old friends, I am starting school for Nursing, my pell grant came through, everything was going the right way, finally. Well no no no that doesn't work in my life, are you kidding me, of course not, why would it, I am not suppose to be happy, I forgot.
So, no job, no house, school is starting and no supplies, no computer to type papers and I already have an assignment. Call shelters and show up for the stupid "lottery", and don't get in, what else is new. Here let me tell you about the lottery, you go to the shelter or call them, then fill out a paper or answer questions based off your name, age, reason for homelessness, and how long you have been without a home and a way they can contact you and you pray that by 5 they call you because if they don't then you didn't get it. Oh and if you do get accepted you better HALL ASS to the place because most places have curfew at like 3:15PM mind you I am in class sooooo no point in even wasting paper at this point. Well God did it...he listened to my wishes just 10 years too late...wishing to fall off charts is not something to do, but it's too late it has happened. My hair is falling out ten times faster than it was before...tempted to run to a barber and pay them $10 to take it all off....I can't shower and wash it anyways...I am better off...yes I am doing it tonight. I will have hair when I can care for it...its like a pet or child or something...anyways I am really not in a mood to write...I will update on my status when I can for now Stay Beautiful my fellow bloggers. <3 bye.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
That Night...
That night...
I wake up from...
I cry in silence from...
I wish I were dead from...
That night...
Happened so fast...
Changed me...
That night...
Wouldn't wish it on anyone...
Not even my worst enemy...
Why did it happen to me?...
That night...
Was suppose to be fun...
But it turned out all wrong...
From one small comment....
That night....
Left me dead inside....
I wake up from...
I cry in silence from...
I wish I were dead from...
That night...
Happened so fast...
Changed me...
That night...
Wouldn't wish it on anyone...
Not even my worst enemy...
Why did it happen to me?...
That night...
Was suppose to be fun...
But it turned out all wrong...
From one small comment....
That night....
Left me dead inside....
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
A Letter To My Bullies
Dear Bullies,
I don't know what caused you to induce so much pain on someone you barely knew. What did she ever do to you? She was new and in need of friends. You told her you were her friend and you lead her astray. Your love wasn't real, she knew you didn't care, but she took the abuse you placed on her everyday. I wonder if you would have stopped if you known she would cry herself to sleep. Or stop if you knew she was self harming at age 7, because she didn't understand. Or if you would had stopped knowing she DREADED going to school or seeing you on the streets. Hell, she dreads seeing you now. I wonder if you would have stopped knowing she has been in and out of shrinks for depression and anxiety, not being able to deal with your constant aggression. Sure you never really laid a hand on her but your words cut her like a knife to butter. The soul purpose she would try to starve herself. The soul purpose she looks in the mirror now and doesn't see beauty, but sees a fat, loser. You are the soul reason she feels she will NEVER EVER amount to anything in life. You are the soul reason she has tried to take her own life numerous times. Sure, to you it was just jokes of being fat or not being to be active because her asthma wasn't under control, but to her it scarred her. Scarred her so bad that she is doing great. She has a 3.88 GPA, but to her, she is a moron. She has lost 82 pounds but to her, she is the fattest she has ever been. You scarred her so bad she can't even take compliments, and feels everyone laughs when she walks in a room. Laughing at her for whatever, whether it is the new outfit she bought, or the new hairstyle she thought looked cute. You scarred her so bad it even affects her relationships. She doesn't want to let anyone in after the way you were. And why the hell should she...you, damn, selfish, insecure assholes scarred her so bad that she can't feel real love and warmth when it surrounds her. She would cry and thought EVERYONE hated her because of the things you would say. The things you would do...the things you wrote on her field day shirt, or her yearbook. Oh you thought she would forget, because she is sure you definitely did. But your actions really messed her up. Most of you are starting to have children now, and would want to protect them from bullies, but think really hard at how you were in school. The PAIN you inflicted on someone else. THAT SOMEONE BEING SOMEONE ELSE'S BABY! And teach your children not to be that way. It is too late for the girl, her wounds are mending, but it is not too late for the youth of today. So please stop them from making fun of someone because they are different, you don't know what they do behind closed doors.
And to those who I bullied or poked fun at...I am truly sorry. I know these words mean nothing because of the pain I have caused. I have no idea why I did so. Maybe because I wanted someone else to feel the pain I too was feeling. For whatever my reason was I truly am sorry and hope to God I NEVER pushed anyone to hurting themselves or anything. With that said I just really want Bullying to stop....
Yours Truly,
The Victim and The Bully
Tia.
P.S. Stay Beautiful
I don't know what caused you to induce so much pain on someone you barely knew. What did she ever do to you? She was new and in need of friends. You told her you were her friend and you lead her astray. Your love wasn't real, she knew you didn't care, but she took the abuse you placed on her everyday. I wonder if you would have stopped if you known she would cry herself to sleep. Or stop if you knew she was self harming at age 7, because she didn't understand. Or if you would had stopped knowing she DREADED going to school or seeing you on the streets. Hell, she dreads seeing you now. I wonder if you would have stopped knowing she has been in and out of shrinks for depression and anxiety, not being able to deal with your constant aggression. Sure you never really laid a hand on her but your words cut her like a knife to butter. The soul purpose she would try to starve herself. The soul purpose she looks in the mirror now and doesn't see beauty, but sees a fat, loser. You are the soul reason she feels she will NEVER EVER amount to anything in life. You are the soul reason she has tried to take her own life numerous times. Sure, to you it was just jokes of being fat or not being to be active because her asthma wasn't under control, but to her it scarred her. Scarred her so bad that she is doing great. She has a 3.88 GPA, but to her, she is a moron. She has lost 82 pounds but to her, she is the fattest she has ever been. You scarred her so bad she can't even take compliments, and feels everyone laughs when she walks in a room. Laughing at her for whatever, whether it is the new outfit she bought, or the new hairstyle she thought looked cute. You scarred her so bad it even affects her relationships. She doesn't want to let anyone in after the way you were. And why the hell should she...you, damn, selfish, insecure assholes scarred her so bad that she can't feel real love and warmth when it surrounds her. She would cry and thought EVERYONE hated her because of the things you would say. The things you would do...the things you wrote on her field day shirt, or her yearbook. Oh you thought she would forget, because she is sure you definitely did. But your actions really messed her up. Most of you are starting to have children now, and would want to protect them from bullies, but think really hard at how you were in school. The PAIN you inflicted on someone else. THAT SOMEONE BEING SOMEONE ELSE'S BABY! And teach your children not to be that way. It is too late for the girl, her wounds are mending, but it is not too late for the youth of today. So please stop them from making fun of someone because they are different, you don't know what they do behind closed doors.
And to those who I bullied or poked fun at...I am truly sorry. I know these words mean nothing because of the pain I have caused. I have no idea why I did so. Maybe because I wanted someone else to feel the pain I too was feeling. For whatever my reason was I truly am sorry and hope to God I NEVER pushed anyone to hurting themselves or anything. With that said I just really want Bullying to stop....
Yours Truly,
The Victim and The Bully
Tia.
P.S. Stay Beautiful
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