That night...
I wake up from...
I cry in silence from...
I wish I were dead from...
That night...
Happened so fast...
Changed me...
That night...
Wouldn't wish it on anyone...
Not even my worst enemy...
Why did it happen to me?...
That night...
Was suppose to be fun...
But it turned out all wrong...
From one small comment....
That night....
Left me dead inside....
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
A Letter To My Bullies
Dear Bullies,
I don't know what caused you to induce so much pain on someone you barely knew. What did she ever do to you? She was new and in need of friends. You told her you were her friend and you lead her astray. Your love wasn't real, she knew you didn't care, but she took the abuse you placed on her everyday. I wonder if you would have stopped if you known she would cry herself to sleep. Or stop if you knew she was self harming at age 7, because she didn't understand. Or if you would had stopped knowing she DREADED going to school or seeing you on the streets. Hell, she dreads seeing you now. I wonder if you would have stopped knowing she has been in and out of shrinks for depression and anxiety, not being able to deal with your constant aggression. Sure you never really laid a hand on her but your words cut her like a knife to butter. The soul purpose she would try to starve herself. The soul purpose she looks in the mirror now and doesn't see beauty, but sees a fat, loser. You are the soul reason she feels she will NEVER EVER amount to anything in life. You are the soul reason she has tried to take her own life numerous times. Sure, to you it was just jokes of being fat or not being to be active because her asthma wasn't under control, but to her it scarred her. Scarred her so bad that she is doing great. She has a 3.88 GPA, but to her, she is a moron. She has lost 82 pounds but to her, she is the fattest she has ever been. You scarred her so bad she can't even take compliments, and feels everyone laughs when she walks in a room. Laughing at her for whatever, whether it is the new outfit she bought, or the new hairstyle she thought looked cute. You scarred her so bad it even affects her relationships. She doesn't want to let anyone in after the way you were. And why the hell should she...you, damn, selfish, insecure assholes scarred her so bad that she can't feel real love and warmth when it surrounds her. She would cry and thought EVERYONE hated her because of the things you would say. The things you would do...the things you wrote on her field day shirt, or her yearbook. Oh you thought she would forget, because she is sure you definitely did. But your actions really messed her up. Most of you are starting to have children now, and would want to protect them from bullies, but think really hard at how you were in school. The PAIN you inflicted on someone else. THAT SOMEONE BEING SOMEONE ELSE'S BABY! And teach your children not to be that way. It is too late for the girl, her wounds are mending, but it is not too late for the youth of today. So please stop them from making fun of someone because they are different, you don't know what they do behind closed doors.
And to those who I bullied or poked fun at...I am truly sorry. I know these words mean nothing because of the pain I have caused. I have no idea why I did so. Maybe because I wanted someone else to feel the pain I too was feeling. For whatever my reason was I truly am sorry and hope to God I NEVER pushed anyone to hurting themselves or anything. With that said I just really want Bullying to stop....
Yours Truly,
The Victim and The Bully
Tia.
P.S. Stay Beautiful
I don't know what caused you to induce so much pain on someone you barely knew. What did she ever do to you? She was new and in need of friends. You told her you were her friend and you lead her astray. Your love wasn't real, she knew you didn't care, but she took the abuse you placed on her everyday. I wonder if you would have stopped if you known she would cry herself to sleep. Or stop if you knew she was self harming at age 7, because she didn't understand. Or if you would had stopped knowing she DREADED going to school or seeing you on the streets. Hell, she dreads seeing you now. I wonder if you would have stopped knowing she has been in and out of shrinks for depression and anxiety, not being able to deal with your constant aggression. Sure you never really laid a hand on her but your words cut her like a knife to butter. The soul purpose she would try to starve herself. The soul purpose she looks in the mirror now and doesn't see beauty, but sees a fat, loser. You are the soul reason she feels she will NEVER EVER amount to anything in life. You are the soul reason she has tried to take her own life numerous times. Sure, to you it was just jokes of being fat or not being to be active because her asthma wasn't under control, but to her it scarred her. Scarred her so bad that she is doing great. She has a 3.88 GPA, but to her, she is a moron. She has lost 82 pounds but to her, she is the fattest she has ever been. You scarred her so bad she can't even take compliments, and feels everyone laughs when she walks in a room. Laughing at her for whatever, whether it is the new outfit she bought, or the new hairstyle she thought looked cute. You scarred her so bad it even affects her relationships. She doesn't want to let anyone in after the way you were. And why the hell should she...you, damn, selfish, insecure assholes scarred her so bad that she can't feel real love and warmth when it surrounds her. She would cry and thought EVERYONE hated her because of the things you would say. The things you would do...the things you wrote on her field day shirt, or her yearbook. Oh you thought she would forget, because she is sure you definitely did. But your actions really messed her up. Most of you are starting to have children now, and would want to protect them from bullies, but think really hard at how you were in school. The PAIN you inflicted on someone else. THAT SOMEONE BEING SOMEONE ELSE'S BABY! And teach your children not to be that way. It is too late for the girl, her wounds are mending, but it is not too late for the youth of today. So please stop them from making fun of someone because they are different, you don't know what they do behind closed doors.
And to those who I bullied or poked fun at...I am truly sorry. I know these words mean nothing because of the pain I have caused. I have no idea why I did so. Maybe because I wanted someone else to feel the pain I too was feeling. For whatever my reason was I truly am sorry and hope to God I NEVER pushed anyone to hurting themselves or anything. With that said I just really want Bullying to stop....
Yours Truly,
The Victim and The Bully
Tia.
P.S. Stay Beautiful
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
My Inner Emotions.
I AM SO SICK OF BEING EVERYONE'S STUPID WELCOME MAT! I AM A HUMAN BEING! SOMEONE WITH EMOTIONS! SOMEONE WITH FEELINGS! SOMEONE WHO JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED WITHOUT NEGATIVITY!
I am sick of keeping people in my life who think it is okay to knock me down regardless of the situation. I have worked FAR TOO LONG to build myself up just to take more bullshit. I really just want to disappear from EVERYONE. My family, my friends, EVERYONE connected to me. Just drop out of their lives and truly see how they feel. The sad part is I know for a fact most of them won't give a single shit what happens. So fine after I start school I will only post once a week, I will be changing my phone number AND I WILL NOT be communicating with a lot of people. We will see who goes how far to make sure they have anything on or about me. In the end I already know who is going to do what. And in the end I already know who I am as a person and if that pisses anyone off then fine so be it. Maybe just perhaps the way you act pisses me off too. Anyways readers I am done ranting. Sorry about this. Stay Beautiful, I am going to go for a walk or something.
I am sick of keeping people in my life who think it is okay to knock me down regardless of the situation. I have worked FAR TOO LONG to build myself up just to take more bullshit. I really just want to disappear from EVERYONE. My family, my friends, EVERYONE connected to me. Just drop out of their lives and truly see how they feel. The sad part is I know for a fact most of them won't give a single shit what happens. So fine after I start school I will only post once a week, I will be changing my phone number AND I WILL NOT be communicating with a lot of people. We will see who goes how far to make sure they have anything on or about me. In the end I already know who is going to do what. And in the end I already know who I am as a person and if that pisses anyone off then fine so be it. Maybe just perhaps the way you act pisses me off too. Anyways readers I am done ranting. Sorry about this. Stay Beautiful, I am going to go for a walk or something.
Ramadan Mubarak!!
Hello everyone! Sorry I have not posted lately. I have been off the computer because of Ramadan. I felt it gave me some more closure and time to think and plan my life from the way it was going. And I have been fixing everything I can fix. Now the rest is in God's Hands and I pray to him to help me.
Now enough with that. I have missed you readers! And from my fan mail and comments said to me I am assuming you missed me also. Which I don't mind at all. With my internship ending on Monday and trying to find myself a new job I have a lot of free time. This can be good and bad. The first thing on my agenda is to rev up my exercise. I am slowly hitting a plateau and I am not going to hit it gracefully I am going to collide into it and charge forward full force. Nothing is holding back my weight loss anymore. Once it is gone, it is gone for good.
So to talk about that. I want to talk about living as a young adult, you know where your primary thing to do is to eat with friends. It is SO FRUSTRATING TO HANG OUT WITH ANYONE! Seriously, I HATE HATE HATE going to eat out anymore. Way too much planning involved. It takes the joys out of it. I mean it is great that I can sit and talk to my friends, catch up or whatever, but in all honesty going out period is a pain in the butt.
First I have to know exactly where we are going, how long we will be out for, if we are going to go out and eat, where we will eat, etc. The list goes on. I have to pack a bag for everything. Some snack food if we don't go out but I start to get hungry. Water, I now pack 5 or 6 bottles just for myself so I can stay hydrated. A protein shake, in case I am majorly hungry. My epi-pen in case we go somewhere there is peanuts. My inhalers so I don't have an asthma attack. And then I pack whatever else I need for the day. All I know is when it comes to children I will be MAJOR prepared for whatever comes my way because I will be packed for it. Anyways at restaurants I can only eat about 4 things on the menu, then I can't order a drink or I can but can't eat. So I have to choose wisely, either which way nothing ever gets finished and I get weird looks from the waiter or waitress for being the fatty who couldn't finish their meal. I have found things like walks and sitting in the park or going to the beach way more enjoyable. Which I guess is the whole point of surgery but other than that I just have found a new hatred towards eating.
It is weird to realize how with one procedure your life changes. From friends you hang out with, to the choices you make and the activities you do. Like if I spend a day laying down I think to myself wow you are totally lazy you need to get up and go do something. Prior to surgery I didn't care I could lay down for that day and not care about anything going on. I was active when it came to fun, but lazy when it came to work. I feel so much more healthier and adventurous. My whole life seems to have taken a turn for the better.
I should tell everyone right now upfront, since we are speaking of my life changing for the better, I have decided to convert to Islamic Beliefs. It has truly spoken to me as a whole. And before anyone starts being ignorant, no it doesn't mean I am going to blow anything up, or whatever.
I have only been focused on the religious aspect of my life for about two months or so. However, I have been dedicated to it. I am planning to read the Shahada after Ramadan. I have sadly lost a few friends over converting but have gained many more. It is funny what happens to you when you grow up and do stuff on your own for once. Anyways this isn't a religious blog, this is a weight loss blog so I am going to continue with my weight loss.
I have been losing weight steadily and in another 2 months or so I will be hitting my half a year. My book is coming along wonderfully. I totally cannot wait for it to be finished next May. I am also working on two other books. One is about my medical life and slightly inspirational read and the other is a book about teenage and young adult depression and anxiety. The second one will take A LOT more work because I am fusing myself into the book along with facts and medical studies. I really want to reach out and help people who are in my shoes or been in my shoes and help them where I can. One reason I was depressed or am is because I always feel unneeded and alone. If my book makes one person not feel like that then I will be so much happier with my life, knowing what I did to help someone that day.
I should let you all know I am currently transitioning to a new location, and a new school. However I will make sure to keep this updated as much as possible on everything. I am so excited about starting my new life. Also I am starting a fundraiser for my new college because I can't afford it and sadly financial aid did not help me out as much as I had hoped. So if you would like to help out I am going to leave the link on my blog and you can donate. Thank you so much everyone. And Remember Stay Beautiful. By the way stay tuned for Deep Confessions Part 2. So excited!
http://www.gofundme.com/3s5y2g <<<< Link For Donations! Thank You! :-)
Now enough with that. I have missed you readers! And from my fan mail and comments said to me I am assuming you missed me also. Which I don't mind at all. With my internship ending on Monday and trying to find myself a new job I have a lot of free time. This can be good and bad. The first thing on my agenda is to rev up my exercise. I am slowly hitting a plateau and I am not going to hit it gracefully I am going to collide into it and charge forward full force. Nothing is holding back my weight loss anymore. Once it is gone, it is gone for good.
So to talk about that. I want to talk about living as a young adult, you know where your primary thing to do is to eat with friends. It is SO FRUSTRATING TO HANG OUT WITH ANYONE! Seriously, I HATE HATE HATE going to eat out anymore. Way too much planning involved. It takes the joys out of it. I mean it is great that I can sit and talk to my friends, catch up or whatever, but in all honesty going out period is a pain in the butt.
First I have to know exactly where we are going, how long we will be out for, if we are going to go out and eat, where we will eat, etc. The list goes on. I have to pack a bag for everything. Some snack food if we don't go out but I start to get hungry. Water, I now pack 5 or 6 bottles just for myself so I can stay hydrated. A protein shake, in case I am majorly hungry. My epi-pen in case we go somewhere there is peanuts. My inhalers so I don't have an asthma attack. And then I pack whatever else I need for the day. All I know is when it comes to children I will be MAJOR prepared for whatever comes my way because I will be packed for it. Anyways at restaurants I can only eat about 4 things on the menu, then I can't order a drink or I can but can't eat. So I have to choose wisely, either which way nothing ever gets finished and I get weird looks from the waiter or waitress for being the fatty who couldn't finish their meal. I have found things like walks and sitting in the park or going to the beach way more enjoyable. Which I guess is the whole point of surgery but other than that I just have found a new hatred towards eating.
It is weird to realize how with one procedure your life changes. From friends you hang out with, to the choices you make and the activities you do. Like if I spend a day laying down I think to myself wow you are totally lazy you need to get up and go do something. Prior to surgery I didn't care I could lay down for that day and not care about anything going on. I was active when it came to fun, but lazy when it came to work. I feel so much more healthier and adventurous. My whole life seems to have taken a turn for the better.
I should tell everyone right now upfront, since we are speaking of my life changing for the better, I have decided to convert to Islamic Beliefs. It has truly spoken to me as a whole. And before anyone starts being ignorant, no it doesn't mean I am going to blow anything up, or whatever.
I have only been focused on the religious aspect of my life for about two months or so. However, I have been dedicated to it. I am planning to read the Shahada after Ramadan. I have sadly lost a few friends over converting but have gained many more. It is funny what happens to you when you grow up and do stuff on your own for once. Anyways this isn't a religious blog, this is a weight loss blog so I am going to continue with my weight loss.
I have been losing weight steadily and in another 2 months or so I will be hitting my half a year. My book is coming along wonderfully. I totally cannot wait for it to be finished next May. I am also working on two other books. One is about my medical life and slightly inspirational read and the other is a book about teenage and young adult depression and anxiety. The second one will take A LOT more work because I am fusing myself into the book along with facts and medical studies. I really want to reach out and help people who are in my shoes or been in my shoes and help them where I can. One reason I was depressed or am is because I always feel unneeded and alone. If my book makes one person not feel like that then I will be so much happier with my life, knowing what I did to help someone that day.
I should let you all know I am currently transitioning to a new location, and a new school. However I will make sure to keep this updated as much as possible on everything. I am so excited about starting my new life. Also I am starting a fundraiser for my new college because I can't afford it and sadly financial aid did not help me out as much as I had hoped. So if you would like to help out I am going to leave the link on my blog and you can donate. Thank you so much everyone. And Remember Stay Beautiful. By the way stay tuned for Deep Confessions Part 2. So excited!
http://www.gofundme.com/3s5y2g <<<< Link For Donations! Thank You! :-)
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
A Letter To My Depression
Dear Depression,
Who the hell do you think you are trying to control me? I am not your servant. I DO NOT cater to your every whim. I shall get out of bed AS I PLEASE, without it being a chore. I shall enjoy MY life, without your negativity screaming in the back of my mind. I shall make friends, without thinking they are pretending to like me. No more will I grab a blade for you because you sing to me that I am nothing and better off six feet under. Just because you are part of me doesn't mean you own me, or will ever for this matter. I am better than what you make me think. I am stronger than what you make me feel.
In the past this letter would have been written different to you. This letter would tell you how I only serve you. How my arms were your cutting boards, my tears were your waterfalls. I would have said in this letter that I am not good enough and will never have real friends. I would have said depression is my only friend and I will do anything in this world to make sure it was happy... I don't care the extent because I didn't care for my life. I let you control everything depression. My way of thinking, talking, writing, you owned me. But not anymore.
I went and got help. I talk my issues out. I even had to go on medication to assist me in my fight against your grasp. NO MORE WILL I BOW TO YOU. THIS IS MY LIFE AND MY LIFE ONLY! You will let me live the way I want to even on days where you come on stronger than others...you will let me make my normal everyday choices. You will let me work, hang out, and live life to the fullest. We are going to have to live together for life. I don't mind if you don't, HOWEVER, I MAKE ALL THE SHOTS!...NOT you. You are there to make things a bit challenging but NOT to complicate things completely other than that...stay quiet and leave me be. We will get along great...one year now since I let you control me and counting...I love you merely because you make me, well, me. But other than that I hate you...you are nothing more than trouble...and so depression with all this said...I close my letter to you. I have said my thoughts and will go on to sleep peacefully. I hope you do too...for a very, very, VERY, long time.
Love,
Tia.
Friday, July 5, 2013
A Boyfriend....Would Be Nice...
So here I am and left and right I see friends with their beloved counterpart. And well I WANT THAT. I would say I am not too too picky. I just want a nice, smart, funny guy that I can connect with. I would like him to be a few inches taller but no biggie. Educated preferably in the medical field as well. Someone who likes watching movies and cuddling. But it seems like it isn't happening anytime soon. Sooooo I will just have to deal and watch my friends with their happiness. Everyone needs that one friend in life that is single and gives out decent advice right? Anyways it was something that was WAY needed to come off my chest prior to sleeping. Good Night Everyone! And remember Stay Beautiful. Good Night.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!
Hello everyone! Happy Fourth Of July!!! I am sorry about not blogging...I know it is turning into a bad habit of mine. I have been so busy lately with everything. My surgery recovery to internship to just my life in general.
Recently, since everyone has told me to get a life, I have been working on it. The problem is when you are overweight you tend to have low to NO self esteem, I mean my friends, like my real friends know the real me but my new friends or the ones I try to make don't know me as well so would probably be more judgmental than my real friends. I decided to take up dancing again. It is a great class but at the class I am the biggest one and the one who came into the class in the middle of the dance year. It stinks because everyone is already friends with someone else in some way or another, but I am determined to make one friend. Also, I LOVE this class. It is Indian Classical Dance. It is really hard and I practice as much as I can but it is hard to practice when you don't really know it that well. So, the teacher is letting me come a few extra days a week to drill the dance into me as much as the other dances have it drilled into them. I know I will be ready for October (when the dance is presented) because I am not a quitter and in the years I did dance I NEVER backed down from a performance.
Another thing I tell everyone is, when I went to get the filter removed from my surgery, they found a blood clot. It is tiny so no need to worry, but they did not get to remove it because of the clot. So I have had to adjust my life accordingly because of the clot. I am on blood thinners now so I have to plan my life out more than before. Because having gastric bypass wasn't hard as is. I have to plan my day out for something as simple as going to the grocery store. Yes, I do carry a planner around now. I bring bags with me everywhere I go. I bring them to the store, out with friends, concerts, EVERYWHERE. The things I can NEVER leave home without are; Asthma Medicines, Epi-pens, Water(for the entire day), Blood Thinners, Alcohol Pads, A Snack Or Two, and Allergy Pills. Like today we went to go to the fireworks and even though they said no bags I had to bring one. I sure as hell can't carry all that in my hands and a lot of those medicines can't be exposed to sunlight so clear bags were a no go. I wanted to live life on the edge like most young adults and teens do. Now, if I forget like water, that is my life on the edge. I never loved water as much as I do now. If I forget water for a day, I get full body aches, my head HURTS, I see stars and the room spins when I get up. It is the worst feeling ever, I just want to sleep. However if I drink water after the symptoms appear an hour or so later I am good. So planning every hours of my life is hell but I feel it is good for me. Makes me feel responsible knowing I am ready for the entire day.
Today was the fourth of July. And in three days begins Ramadan. I am going to warn you all right now I am participating in this holiday and will be glad to share my experience around August 9th. I will be posting one more blog before it begins and may post a blog half way through so I can keep everyone updated. This will also give me time to work on Deep Confessions Part 2, as well as work on myself in a religious perspective. I feel I am working on myself health wise, mentality wise, but leaving religious views out. I feel maybe everyone in some aspect should have a religious side to them and everyone's views will be different but they are something you should work on as you grow older. So that is about it. I mean other than trying to find a boyfriend. That search is well not so grand but he is out there for me and one day I shall find him and be happy. Until then I will focus on me. Anyways it is late. Happy 4th Of July. I Hope everyone had a great day. I will blog again eventually. Love You. And Remember, Stay Beautiful.
Recently, since everyone has told me to get a life, I have been working on it. The problem is when you are overweight you tend to have low to NO self esteem, I mean my friends, like my real friends know the real me but my new friends or the ones I try to make don't know me as well so would probably be more judgmental than my real friends. I decided to take up dancing again. It is a great class but at the class I am the biggest one and the one who came into the class in the middle of the dance year. It stinks because everyone is already friends with someone else in some way or another, but I am determined to make one friend. Also, I LOVE this class. It is Indian Classical Dance. It is really hard and I practice as much as I can but it is hard to practice when you don't really know it that well. So, the teacher is letting me come a few extra days a week to drill the dance into me as much as the other dances have it drilled into them. I know I will be ready for October (when the dance is presented) because I am not a quitter and in the years I did dance I NEVER backed down from a performance.
Another thing I tell everyone is, when I went to get the filter removed from my surgery, they found a blood clot. It is tiny so no need to worry, but they did not get to remove it because of the clot. So I have had to adjust my life accordingly because of the clot. I am on blood thinners now so I have to plan my life out more than before. Because having gastric bypass wasn't hard as is. I have to plan my day out for something as simple as going to the grocery store. Yes, I do carry a planner around now. I bring bags with me everywhere I go. I bring them to the store, out with friends, concerts, EVERYWHERE. The things I can NEVER leave home without are; Asthma Medicines, Epi-pens, Water(for the entire day), Blood Thinners, Alcohol Pads, A Snack Or Two, and Allergy Pills. Like today we went to go to the fireworks and even though they said no bags I had to bring one. I sure as hell can't carry all that in my hands and a lot of those medicines can't be exposed to sunlight so clear bags were a no go. I wanted to live life on the edge like most young adults and teens do. Now, if I forget like water, that is my life on the edge. I never loved water as much as I do now. If I forget water for a day, I get full body aches, my head HURTS, I see stars and the room spins when I get up. It is the worst feeling ever, I just want to sleep. However if I drink water after the symptoms appear an hour or so later I am good. So planning every hours of my life is hell but I feel it is good for me. Makes me feel responsible knowing I am ready for the entire day.
Today was the fourth of July. And in three days begins Ramadan. I am going to warn you all right now I am participating in this holiday and will be glad to share my experience around August 9th. I will be posting one more blog before it begins and may post a blog half way through so I can keep everyone updated. This will also give me time to work on Deep Confessions Part 2, as well as work on myself in a religious perspective. I feel I am working on myself health wise, mentality wise, but leaving religious views out. I feel maybe everyone in some aspect should have a religious side to them and everyone's views will be different but they are something you should work on as you grow older. So that is about it. I mean other than trying to find a boyfriend. That search is well not so grand but he is out there for me and one day I shall find him and be happy. Until then I will focus on me. Anyways it is late. Happy 4th Of July. I Hope everyone had a great day. I will blog again eventually. Love You. And Remember, Stay Beautiful.
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