A New Form Of Hell...

Hey my fellow readers,

I am starting off by once again saying sorry. I feel that I say this more times than I should, but I have really been crazy busy, with trying to get a job, and college starting.
With all that said, I have come to find a new misery in my life. No one told me with surgery would come a new view on everything, in a literal term by the way. I have the positive view on my life as in, I feel great, my body is starting to look good, I can dance, run, and even jump. I don't eat as much and that no longer really bothers me. However, I am starting to have negative changes in my thinking and they really make me so mad.
I am becoming more judgmental of people who are in the same boat I was in months ago. If I look at someone overweight and see them eating a bag of chips, I don't think you know he/she can enjoy those chips, I think, maybe if he/she didn't eat those chips they wouldn't be in the predicament they are in. I feel guilty when I myself eat bad. If I go out and the only thing that is easy for me to eat is chicken strips, I HATE myself with a fire burning passion with every bite I chew and swallow. My mind and me have an entire conversation, about the food I am eating. "You don't need to eat that fatso, you are going to wind up right back where you started, then no one will be able to help you." I feel like I ate all my calories for that day and I could have only eaten one or two chicken strips. I HATE  eating solid foods, I prefer yogurts, apple sauces, or even protein shakes, I just feel so guilty when eating anything. And I really want it to stop...it is getting to the point where I don't enjoy food, even healthy food. I eat it now because if I don't my friends are sending me to the hospital. I rather work out and be active then sit and eat lunch. I HATE absolutely HATE this new mindset I am developing.
Not only does it have to do with food...but it continues onto my body. Everyone says I look great, I lost a lot of weight, etc. But when I look in the mirror I see a fat blob still. I see the 350 pound person I was. When I tell people my goals and they say "good luck" or "I will rooting you on" or "prayers sent your way", I feel almost like they are mocking me, saying I can't do it. I know since I lost the weight dramatically quickly it takes a bit for my body to tone itself, and it happens over time and with the amount of water you drink. However, I feel DISGUSTING. I try so hard to like me for me and be happy, but then I get people who show me their perception of beautiful, and I feel I will NEVER get to be that beautiful. Hell, THAT GIRL ISN'T EVEN THAT BEAUTIFUL!!! Photoshop is amazing, however with all those pictures PLASTERED everywhere, how am I, a person who has lost about 100 pounds, suppose to feel good about themselves when everyone she sees and talks to has this effed up perception of "beauty". Grant it, people say I look good, but who wouldn't look "good" after losing 100 pounds. The other thing I hate now, is guys noticing me...HATE IT. Leave me alone, I was invisible to you before weight loss, I want to be invisible to you now. Then they don't even say nice things. "oh mama you lookin' sexy as hell with that thing on ya head." yes, because I want to look "sexy" while looking modest. Or "oh baby girl you can fulfill my Arabian fantasies." no ABSOLUTELY NOT...assholes like this don't help with my image issues AT ALL!! UGH!
I just want to be happy with my body and have a better outlook on people and food. I hope that one day my whole mindset will go back to the way it was prior to surgery. Not whole mindset, but not judging books by covers. I also hope on day I will be able to eat a small piece of cake or pie without crying or wanting to puke up everything because I had a "cheat" day. All in all I really hope no one in their right mind starts feeling the way I do, because I HATE it. Anyways, I have to get ready for class. I will surely be blogging again this week. :-)

If you don't hear from me remember to always Stay Beautiful!

Writing, Not Really In The Mood To Though...

Okay so I am writing this blog because I really feel I have no where else to turn to. In a way I feel everyone has finally given up on me. My depression hasn't been this bad since high school when I was un-medicated... the problem is I am this time and I just hate everything about me...the way I look, the way I think just EVERYTHING...
Everyone tells me "oh it is okay this is just your rock bottom, you will rise." And what I want to say more than anything else to these people is..."SHUT THE HELL UP!! AND LEAVE ME ALONE! GO LIVE YOUR MISERABLY "HAPPY" LIFE AND STAY THE HELL OUT OF MINE!" It screams so loud in my mind every time someone says something, but I just smile and go, "I am better now, thank you." Haha, I am totally not better. In fact I am worse...the worse I have been in about two years.
A few days ago I am not really wanting to admit it but it is the first step to heal so, I was really considering killing myself. I thought everything was looking up, for once in my life. Thought I had a great job coming my way, on top of it, I thought I was fixing up old bridges with old friends, I am starting school for Nursing, my pell grant came through, everything was going the right way, finally. Well no no no that doesn't work in my life, are you kidding me, of course not, why would it, I am not suppose to be happy, I forgot.
So, no job, no house, school is starting and no supplies, no computer to type papers and I already have an assignment. Call shelters and show up for the stupid "lottery", and don't get in, what else is new. Here let me tell you about the lottery, you go to the shelter or call them, then fill out a paper or answer questions based off your name, age, reason for homelessness, and how long you have been without a home and a way they can contact you and you pray that by 5 they call you because if they don't then you didn't get it. Oh and if you do get accepted you better HALL ASS to the place because most places have curfew at like 3:15PM mind you I am in class sooooo no point in even wasting paper at this point. Well God did it...he listened to my wishes just 10 years too late...wishing to fall off charts is not something to do, but it's too late it has happened. My hair is falling out ten times faster than it was before...tempted to run to a barber and pay them $10 to take it all off....I can't shower and wash it anyways...I am better off...yes I am doing it tonight. I will have hair when I can care for it...its like a pet or child or something...anyways I am really not in a mood to write...I will update on my status when I can for now Stay Beautiful my fellow bloggers. <3 bye.

That Night...

That night...
I wake up from...
I cry in silence from...
I wish I were dead from...

That night...
Happened so fast...
Changed me...

That night...
Wouldn't wish it on anyone...
Not even my worst enemy...
Why did it happen to me?...

That night...
Was suppose to be fun...
But it turned out all wrong...
From one small comment....

That night....
Left me dead inside....

A Letter To My Bullies

Dear Bullies,

I don't know what caused you to induce so much pain on someone you barely knew. What did she ever do to you? She was new and in need of friends. You told her you were her friend and you lead her astray. Your love wasn't real, she knew you didn't care, but she took the abuse you placed on her everyday. I wonder if you would have stopped if you known she would cry herself to sleep. Or stop if you knew she was self harming at age 7, because she didn't understand. Or if you would had stopped knowing she DREADED going to school or seeing you on the streets. Hell, she dreads seeing you now. I wonder if you would have stopped knowing she has been in and out of shrinks for depression and anxiety, not being able to deal with your constant aggression. Sure you never really laid a hand on her but your words cut her like a knife to butter. The soul purpose she would try to starve herself. The soul purpose she looks in the mirror now and doesn't see beauty, but sees a fat, loser. You are the soul reason she feels she will NEVER EVER amount to anything in life. You are the soul reason she has tried to take her own life numerous times. Sure, to you it was just jokes of being fat or not being to be active because her asthma wasn't under control, but to her it scarred her. Scarred her so bad that she is doing great. She has a 3.88 GPA, but to her, she is a moron. She has lost 82 pounds but to her, she is the fattest she has ever been. You scarred her so bad she can't even take compliments, and feels everyone laughs when she walks in a room. Laughing at her for whatever, whether it is the new outfit she bought, or the new hairstyle she thought looked cute. You scarred her so bad it even affects her relationships. She doesn't want to let anyone in after the way you were. And why the hell should she...you, damn, selfish, insecure assholes scarred her so bad that she can't feel real love and warmth when it surrounds her. She would cry and thought EVERYONE hated her because of the things you would say. The things you would do...the things you wrote on her field day shirt, or her yearbook. Oh you thought she would forget, because she is sure you definitely did. But your actions really messed her up. Most of you are starting to have children now, and would want to protect them from bullies, but think really hard at how you were in school. The PAIN you inflicted on someone else. THAT SOMEONE BEING SOMEONE ELSE'S BABY! And teach your children not to be that way. It is too late for the girl, her wounds are mending, but it is not too late for the youth of today. So please stop them from making fun of someone because they are different, you don't know what they do behind closed doors.
And to those who I bullied or poked fun at...I am truly sorry. I know these words mean nothing because of the pain I have caused. I have no idea why I did so. Maybe because I wanted someone else to feel the pain I too was feeling. For whatever my reason was I truly am sorry and hope to God I NEVER pushed anyone to hurting themselves or anything. With that said I just really want Bullying to stop....

Yours Truly,

The Victim and The Bully
Tia.

P.S. Stay Beautiful

My Inner Emotions.

I AM SO SICK OF BEING EVERYONE'S STUPID WELCOME MAT! I AM A HUMAN BEING! SOMEONE WITH EMOTIONS! SOMEONE WITH FEELINGS! SOMEONE WHO JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED WITHOUT NEGATIVITY!

I am sick of keeping people in my life who think it is okay to knock me down regardless of the situation. I have worked FAR TOO LONG to build myself up just to take more bullshit. I really just want to disappear from EVERYONE. My family, my friends, EVERYONE connected to me. Just drop out of their lives and truly see how they feel. The sad part is I know for a fact most of them won't give a single shit what happens. So fine after I start school I will only post once a week, I will be changing my phone number AND I WILL NOT be communicating with a lot of people. We will see who goes how far to make sure they have anything on or about me. In the end I already know who is going to do what. And in the end I already know who I am as a person and if that pisses anyone off then fine so be it. Maybe just perhaps the way you act pisses me off too. Anyways readers I am done ranting. Sorry about this. Stay Beautiful, I am going to go for a walk or something.

Ramadan Mubarak!!

Hello everyone! Sorry I have not posted lately. I have been off the computer because of Ramadan. I felt it gave me some more closure and time to think and plan my life from the way it was going. And I have been fixing everything I can fix. Now the rest is in God's Hands and I pray to him to help me.
Now enough with that. I have missed you readers! And from my fan mail and comments said to me I am assuming you missed me also. Which I don't mind at all. With my internship ending on Monday and trying to find myself a new job I have a lot of free time. This can be good and bad. The first thing on my agenda is to rev up my exercise. I am slowly hitting a plateau and I am not going to hit it gracefully I am going to collide into it and charge forward full force. Nothing is holding back my weight loss anymore. Once it is gone, it is gone for good.
So to talk about that. I want to talk about living as a young adult, you know where your primary thing to do is to eat with friends. It is SO FRUSTRATING TO HANG OUT WITH ANYONE! Seriously, I HATE HATE HATE going to eat out anymore. Way too much planning involved. It takes the joys out of it. I mean it is great that I can sit and talk to my friends, catch up or whatever, but in all honesty going out period is a pain in the butt.
First I have to know exactly where we are going, how long we will be out for, if we are going to go out and eat, where we will eat, etc. The list goes on. I have to pack a bag for everything. Some snack food if we don't go out but I start to get hungry. Water, I now pack 5 or 6 bottles just for myself so I can stay hydrated. A protein shake, in case I am majorly hungry. My epi-pen in case we go somewhere there is peanuts. My inhalers so I don't have an asthma attack. And then I pack whatever else I need for the day. All I know is when it comes to children I will be MAJOR prepared for whatever comes my way because I will be packed for it. Anyways at restaurants I can only eat about 4 things on the menu, then I can't order a drink or I can but can't eat. So I have to choose wisely, either which way nothing ever gets finished and I get weird looks from the waiter or waitress for being the fatty who couldn't finish their meal. I have found things like walks and sitting in the park or going to the beach way more enjoyable. Which I guess is the whole point of surgery but other than that I just have found a new hatred towards eating.
It is weird to realize how with one procedure your life changes. From friends you hang out with, to the choices you make and the activities you do. Like if I spend a day laying down I think to myself wow you are totally lazy you need to get up and go do something. Prior to surgery I didn't care I could lay down for that day and not care about anything going on. I was active when it came to fun, but lazy when it came to work. I feel so much more healthier and adventurous. My whole life seems to have taken a turn for the better.
I should tell everyone right now upfront, since we are speaking of my life changing for the better, I have decided to convert to Islamic Beliefs. It has truly spoken to me as a whole. And before anyone starts being ignorant, no it doesn't mean I am going to blow anything up, or whatever.
I have only been focused on the religious aspect of my life for about two months or so. However, I have been dedicated to it. I am planning to read the Shahada after Ramadan. I have sadly lost a few friends over converting but have gained many more. It is funny what happens to you when you grow up and do stuff on your own for once. Anyways this isn't a religious blog, this is a weight loss blog so I am going to continue with my weight loss.
I have been losing weight steadily and in another 2 months or so I will be hitting my half a year. My book is coming along wonderfully. I totally cannot wait for it to be finished next May. I am also working on two other books. One is about my medical life and slightly inspirational read and the other is a book about teenage and young adult depression and anxiety. The second one will take A LOT more work because I am fusing myself into the book along with facts and medical studies. I really want to reach out and help people who are in my shoes or been in my shoes and help them where I can. One reason I was depressed or am is because I always feel unneeded and alone. If my book makes one person not feel like that then I will be so much happier with my life, knowing what I did to help someone that day.
I should let you all know I am currently transitioning to a new location, and a new school. However I will make sure to keep this updated as much as possible on everything. I am so excited about starting my new life. Also I am starting a fundraiser for my new college because I can't afford it and sadly financial aid did not help me out as much as I had hoped. So if you would like to help out I am going to leave the link on my blog and you can donate. Thank you so much everyone. And Remember Stay Beautiful. By the way stay tuned for Deep Confessions Part 2. So excited!


http://www.gofundme.com/3s5y2g <<<< Link For Donations! Thank You! :-)

A Letter To My Depression

Dear Depression,

Who the hell do you think you are trying to control me? I am not your servant. I DO NOT cater to your every whim. I shall get out of bed AS I PLEASE, without it being a chore. I shall enjoy MY life, without your negativity screaming in the back of my mind. I shall make friends, without thinking they are pretending to like me. No more will I grab a blade for you because you sing to me that I am nothing and better off six feet under. Just because you are part of me doesn't mean you own me, or will ever for this matter. I am better than what you make me think. I am stronger than what you make me feel.
In the past this letter would have been written different to you. This letter would tell you how I only serve you. How my arms were your cutting boards, my tears were your waterfalls. I would have said in this letter that I am not good enough and will never have real friends. I would have said depression is my only friend and I will do anything in this world to make sure it was happy... I don't care the extent because I didn't care for my life. I let you control everything depression. My way of thinking, talking, writing, you owned me. But not anymore.
I went and got help. I talk my issues out. I even had to go on medication to assist me in my fight against your grasp. NO MORE WILL I BOW TO YOU. THIS IS MY LIFE AND MY LIFE ONLY! You will let me live the way I want to even on days where you come on stronger than others...you will let me make my normal everyday choices. You will let me work, hang out, and live life to the fullest. We are going to have to live together for life. I don't mind if you don't, HOWEVER, I MAKE ALL THE SHOTS!...NOT you. You are there to make things a bit challenging but NOT to complicate things completely other than that...stay quiet and leave me be. We will get along great...one year now since I let you control me and counting...I love you merely because you make me, well, me. But other than that I hate you...you are nothing more than trouble...and so depression with all this said...I close my letter to you. I have said my thoughts and will go on to sleep peacefully. I hope you do too...for a very, very, VERY, long time.

Love,
Tia.